jolie laide

what blog? oh, that blog.

2010-11-04T05:50:00.000-07:00

nearly forgot about this thing. welp. today's my day off, due to my client's vomiting (the poor little one). that means i actually have time for my little neglected bloggy. it also means i need to learn the hebrew alphabet. yikes! i've been learning an incredible amount over the last couple of months since i started the holy cross fellows program. and all that goes with that: building community in ambridge, the rule of life, spiritual formation, seminary classes, working a part-time job, church-planting. oh my. the influx of information is almost more than I can handle, but it's not just an information influx, I have the opportunity to apply what I'm learning immediately. One example is, I go to a church-planting workshop on saturday, and then work at a church-plant sunday and thursday. Another example is, I have a verbatim (a discussion on how to be a better communicator/people-lover) on wednesday about how to have better conversations in the workplace and get to apply it on friday. this is the best way to learn. the git-r-done approach or as they say about the holy cross fellows: launch as you train, not train before you launch.

this program is not all talk and i love it.

in other news, i've been confirmed in the anglican church. so i'd like to add a little prayer here for the mission of the church:

Everliving God, whose will it is that all should come to you through your Son Jesus Christ: Inspire our witness to him, that all may know the power of his forgiveness and the hope of his resurrection, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one god, now and for ever. Amen.

sell outs

2010-08-25T19:36:00.000-07:00

I’d like to point out that some of my favorite songs have been used in commercials lately.

My first reaction is to denounce these artists as selling out to the man (maybe I’ve been reading too much adbusters), but really, I’m just happy that their music is being shared…too bad there’s no credit given to the artists in the commercials.

But here’s a couple.

Nick Drake for AT&T

Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros for Ford

Le Loup for Blackberry

finally, something blog worthy

2010-08-11T07:48:00.000-07:00

welp. i've been reading kurt vonnegut again. specifically "player piano" which is less stream of conciousness and more story-like than much of his other books. i like it. anyway here's a quote that destroyed my soul:

Anita had the mechanics of marriage down pat, even to the subtlest conventions. If her approach was disturbingly rational, systematic, she was thorough enough to turn out a creditable counterfeit of warmth. Paul could only suspect that her feelings were shallow-and perhaps that suspicion was part of what he was beginning to think of as his sickness.

i'm just like paul. as of late anyway. i've almost become too introspective. not only of myself, but of everyone else. i question everyone's motives. i question how honest i am being with myself and trust no one. maintaining friendships has become increasingly difficult. like paul i am suspicious of kindness.

perhaps this sinister seed was planted when i did research on cognitive dissonance in undergrad. the phenomenon of cognitive dissonance tells us that we will lie to ourselves, because we can't handle being wrong. even when presented with evidence that we are wrong we will swear on a bible and be convinced of our fallacy's veracity til the day we die. none of us can be trusted. our minds will play with us, but i seem to be under the delusion that i can master the mind. figure out all of it's tricks and become the first to be truly and supurbly genuine. but i'm realizing it's not possible, it's just a sickness.

2010-04-15T06:24:00.000-07:00

okay so there was this question on my application for holy cross fellows and then i realized that i probably answeredd it all wrong, but this is what i wrote, and i felt like i had to put it somewhere. here it is:

I believe that God gives us both special revelation (the Bible) and general revelation (things we can learn from nature, history, observation, experience, and science). As they say, all truth is God’s truth. Anything we may see as Truth should be tested by looking at both special and general revelation. We should accept the Bible as authority and God’s word, but not by any one person’s interpretation. I feel that interpretation can be flawed as we are sinful. Biblical interpretation should be done prayerfully and tested by other believers and by what we see as given in general revelation. If what we see in nature is different from our interpretation of the Bible...maybe there was a misinterpretation and we should re-evaluate what the Scriptures are saying.

lists

2010-04-01T15:55:00.001-07:00

the easiest way to keep up this blog is going to have to be lists since computer access is limited, but i still wish to keep things current here.

things i like right now: confessing, anticipating a large paycheck, quirky children, sitting outside in sunshine, bonfires, eating dinner in courses, finding fresh onions and garlic in my backyard, relationship theories, reading Ignatius' writings right before he was eaten by leopards in the colosseum whilst i sit on my porch, people praying for each other (it really makes all the difference in life), the white stripes, and holy week.

things i don't like right now: colombia gas, the fact that i own way too much crap, select sleazy neighbors, paying for gas, PAPERWORK, whoever keeps dumping trash on my front lawn, and too many dishes on the drying rack.

lack of a computer...

2010-02-10T15:54:00.001-08:00

...means a lack of posts.

but here's a short list of some things that i have been learning to love recently:

snowball fights, frankness, compline, western asceticism, poetry readings, out-of-towners, loony tunes, a nice snow walk, and that beer i tried that tastes just like fruity pebbles

some things i've been hating lately:

money orders, vehicles stuck in snow, training videos, drinking games, orchestrating events over the phone, and judgmental people.

hope for a tree

2009-12-06T19:02:00.000-08:00

i think the phase of disillusionment i've been going through is finally over. today i put the nail in the coffin. my pessimism is dead and forgotten. now i cling to hope. reading revelation at college hill anglican fellowship today is really what did it. Revelation 21 says:

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."

And he who was seated on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new." Also he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." And he said to me, "It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment.

rev. mike talked about hope, a message i certainly needed to hear. how could i possibly be pessimistic after a sermon like that? i can't wait for the kingdom of God to come in it's fullness, and i love that God is using me in the process...that i get to be part of it all.

job 14:7 says, "At least there is hope for a tree: If it is cut down, it will sprout again, and it's new shoots will not fail."

all is vanity

2009-11-17T16:03:00.000-08:00

To catch a firefly one must figure out where the heck it’s at. It’s hard to tell when it’s in its non-glowing state. I run after it frantically, then earnestly reach out for it – fingers outstretched to the sky - and I jump for it when my arms can’t extend any farther. Something about them enraptures me.

I have a goal. I need to catch it. I want to feel it crawling on my hand. Finally, the hard work pays off. At last sweet success! I must keep it close. I cup my hands around it and part them just enough so that I can see go: Dark. Light. Dark. Light. All this mystery between my fingers.

It doesn’t end there, of course. I must observe this wonder without fear that it will escape from me. A clear bell jar does the trick. The lid has purposeful holes punched through the top; these holes are large enough for air to enter the jar and small enough that my luminescent prize has no hope of escape.

Then I sit back and I lie down. The jar is on my nightstand, my head is on my pillow and my body is turned on its side. I am satisfied and I feel this moment, now, is the reward for my hard work and diligence. Oh, it is magic. It goes in a repetitious pattern. Dark, then glorious light, then dark again.

This continues for a long while. The treasure that once captured my attention has now become commonplace, merely part of the scenery in my room. The chase after this insect has tired me out. I stop all my thinking. Sleep. In the morning my firefly that I sought after with such ambition lies dead, no fire at all.

Ecclesiastes 2:10-11

All that my eyes desired I did not refuse them I did not withhold my heart from any pleasure, for my heart was pleased because of all my labor and this was my reward for all my labor.

Thus I considered all my activities which my hands had done and the labor which I had exerted, and behold all was vanity and striving after wind and there was no profit under the sun.

about Jesus

2009-11-12T22:04:00.000-08:00

some lyrics from page france's song "chariot".
so beautiful.

swing
come and carry us
come and marry us
to the blushing circus king
now he's one of us
plays the tambourine
breaks the bread for us
and sings
will you wait for us?
will you stay for us?
well your grace is everything
you're a wrecking ball
with a heart of gold
we will wait for it to swing
like a chariot
swing it low for us
come and carry us away

the sun and the moon are my Father's eyes

2009-10-30T19:46:00.000-07:00

the sun

the sun reminds me of God's holiness.

"...everyone seems aware of this strange, powerful taboo, that we all walk about carefully averting our faces, this way and that, lest our eyes be blasted forever."
--annie dillard, pilgrim at tinker creek

the moon

i often wonder...if there were no artificial lights out at night, how much would we be able to see with only the light of the moon and the stars? it is not often that one finds oneself if a position to observe pure moonlight.

tonight i saw a glimpse. i walked up on my porch and there was no porch light on (unusual). on the concrete in front of my door i saw a patch of blueish-gray light. could this be? i thought finally a glimpse of moonlight! sure enough, i searched for the light source and found a nearly full moon...i'm at a loss for the techical term, the "phase" i think they call it (not important).

what a blessing! that our porch light, which we usually keep on, would be off tonight, and that the sky would be clear. that blueish-gray color. i needed to see something beautiful, i've been too despairing and negative as of late.

canticle of brother sun

Most High, all-powerful, all-good Lord,
All praise is Yours, all glory, honor and blessings.
To you alone, Most High, do they belong;
no mortal lips are worthy to pronounce Your Name.

We praise You, Lord, for all Your creatures,
especially for Brother Sun,
who is the day through whom You give us light.
And he is beautiful and radiant with great splendor,
of You Most High, he bears your likeness.

We praise You, Lord, for Sister Moon and the stars,
in the heavens you have made them bright, precious and fair.

--saint francis of assisi

not tired at all

2009-10-25T23:47:00.000-07:00

insomnia is a fickle friend who seems benign. it keeps me up doing pointless activities like making playlists that don't have a theme you can put a name to - but you just know when a song has that special sound that qualifies it for a click and drag. and yet i do this with the knowledge that all planned activities for the coming day are ruined.

on a slightly strange and related note, i found myself listening to elliott smith's song "2:45am" at exactly 2:45am. i looked at the time on the corner of my computer screen all "wouldn't that be funny if...wait just one dang second...no...freakin'...way". i felt the immediate need to tell someone, but since my friends have much less erratic sleep schedules there is no one immediately available. so i decided to tell my blog instead. too bad my blog can't say "that is sooo weird!" back to me like caitlin would or "lmfao" like krista would.

can the rest of the world not be resting right now?
wake up and hang out with me.
we would have so much fun!

it's a slow walk

2009-10-22T20:25:00.000-07:00

beaver falls (and other surrounding defunct steel towns) have a difficult road to economic recovery ahead. sometimes things seem so hopeless. will i ever be able to walk around town at night alone? will the churches on sunday ever be as full as the bars are on friday nights? will we know and help our neighbors? will we be known for being a town of compassionate contributing members of society rather than addicts and prostitutes? could these things possibly happen? but in my lifetime?

the song “slow walk” by hurray for the riff raff

“well nevermind that
i’m gonna go downtown
i’ve got a two dollar bill
and a girl who hangs around
well it’s a slow walk
from the bottom to the top

my old man says
i ain’t been the same
since that bad tom feelin’
got into my brain
it’s a slow walk
from the bottom to the top

you stick the needle in your arm
and the baby starts crying
you stick the needle in your arm
well there ain’t no denying
that it’s a slow walk
from the bottom to the top

well I ain’t as bright
as the sun when it shines
when you say you forgive me
i start to believe that it’s a lie”

i will remain hopeful.

library drama

2009-10-16T08:00:00.000-07:00

so now that i'm on the job hunt, i spend a good amount of my time at the geneva college library. well, i was on a search for some commentaries the other day and i stumbled upon some incredible books that i just had to check out! the first was called "soren kierkegaard's christian psychology"!!! my heart leapt out of my chest when i read that title. it's by a guy named evans (some readers may recall his other book "wisdom and humanness in psychology", a good read). then i came upon "the wisdom of the desert" by thomas merton. it's a collection of little stories told by the christian desert fathers! wow-wee!

getting back to the original story...i went to check out these books and pay a fine for a past book i checked out only to have geneva's lovely librarian come up and tell me that i can't check out books anymore (she realized i'm an alumni and not a student) unless i want to pay thirty bucks a year! which i don't. lucky for me just the day before this incident a secured a library card at beaver falls' very own carnegie library downtown. i won't go off on a tangent here about my strong dislike for andrew carnegie. i was really forced to go to this library because geneva's library didn't have "the promise" by chaim potok which i'm reading for dr.mat's awesome book study!

anyway, i got absorbed in that merton book yesterday so here are a couple of tales from the desert fathers:

A brother in Scete happened to commit a fault, and the elders assembled, and sent for Abbot Moses to join them. He, however, did not want to come. The priest sent him a message, saying: Come, the community of the bretheren is waiting for you. So he arose and started off. And taking with him a very old basket full of holes, he filled it with sand, and carried it behind him. The elders came out to meet him, and said: What is this, Father? The elder replied: My sins are running out behind me, and I do not see them, and today I come to judge the sins of another! They hearing this, said nothing to the brother but pardoned him.

One of the bretheren had been insulted by another and he wanted to take revenge. He came to Abbot Sisois and told him what had taken place, saying: I am going to get even, Father. But the elder besought him to leave the affair in the hands of God. No, said the brother, I will not give up until I have made that fellow pay for what he said. Then the elder stood up and began to pray in these terms: O God, Thou art no longer necessary to us, and we no longer need Thee to take care of us since, as this brother says, we both can and will avenge ourselves. At this the brother promised to give up his idea of revenge.

Abbot Lot came to Abbot Joseph and said: Father, according as I am able, I keep my little rule, and my little fast, my prayer, meditation and contemplative silence; and according as I am able I strive to cleanse my heart of thoughts: now what more should i do? The elder rose up in reply and stretched out his hands to heaven, and his fingers became like ten lamps of fire. He said: Why not be totally changed into fire?

can't even handle it

2009-10-08T12:05:00.000-07:00

ouch! my worldview hurts!

i just finished reading christopher lasch's "the culture of narcissism: american life in an age of diminishing expectations". oh dear. just a bit overwhelming. most definitly worthy of sharing. i picked out a couple of characteristics of the culture of narcissism that lasch describes (keep in mind that these are all characteristics of american culture. it is hard to pinpoint a cause for the phenomena because all of these symptoms perpetuate the narcissistic pathology):

- hyper-self awareness which is perpetuated by technology. the idea that we are constantly being watched. everyone seems to develop a sort of stage presence
- people look to therapists rather than consulting religion when trying to cope with life circumstances
- people search for peace and purpose by pursuing fame and wealth
- there is a pervasive inabliity to connect with others. consumer captitalism tells us to avoid dependence on others which may create a lack of meaningful personal relationships and a neglect of public life
- common diagnosis of personality disorders, but this is only an extreme of the culture's pathology as a whole
- schools usurp authority, taking it away from parents
- selling yourself to succeed; soon interpersonal relations become only a means of self-advancement
- the "self" becomes merely an "image"-what others see us as
- apotheosis of the individual
- consumers can never be satisfied because corporations create needs (new forms of unhappiness) through advertising propaganda. celebrity becomes impossible to achieve
- politics become spectacle-complete with incomprehensible jargon. this (amongst many other things) can lead to a lack of trust in authority figures
- the degradation of the family: an absent father, a castrating wife, and unsubmissive children.

that's a pretty good analysis of our culture coming from someone who was writing in 1978. that was only a little taste of the book, but it is a must read. lasch makes some very important observations and links them together well. there are a number of excellent points in this book meshed in with a good bit of freudian nonsense. lasch explains this culture in psychoanalytic terms...and i am just not convinced. i have to believe there is a better explanation for the phenomena that lasch notices other than a freudian explanation. that being said...i learned a lot.

my reading list is pushing me even further into depression. but you know what? i welcome it. the saying "ignorance is bliss" may be true to a certain extent, but ignorance certainly won't help change the world. i guess i'd rather be depressed, and yet hold onto the hope of something better. that City on a Hill. i suppose now's the time to be Salt and Light...whilst we're stuck in this culture of narcissism.

God help us.

autumn is in my heart

2009-09-28T22:32:00.000-07:00

everything about today was beautiful.

i woke up today by getting rained on. my window was open and the head of my bed is next to the window. it was a pleasant surprise that was welcomed. i sat up and just thought and prayed for awhile.

went to work. it went by quickly and there were some good conversations with my co-workers. the new guy who whistles all the time is my favorite.

when i came home i decided to try to cook something fancy for dinner. i'm not often motivated to do this since i'm only cooking for me. on a typical day a peanut butter sandwich would suffice, but today i was compelled to try something new. so i made a pasta dish with italian sausage, onions, green peppers, in a chicken stock sauce with various seasonings. it was soooo good, and went well with the last blue moon in the fridge.

afterwards, i wanted some coffee. free coffee specifically. so i drove up to the library to fill my thermos with some tasty liquids there. the walk from my car to the library was notably pleasant. the air was delicious. it was crisp and cold. the wind gave me goosebumps. autumn has truly arrived with all its splendor. my favorite season. i just stood outside and smelled it for awhile.

after much lingering i headed back to my place, hot thermos in hand, because caitlin and i made plans to watch a chick flick. since i was still in my unexplainable cooking mood i made some blueberry muffins! nothing like blueberry muffins and library coffee to have while knitting and waiting for cait to get out of play practice (she's the lead!).

after the movie (which was definitly a typical chick flick, but it gave me some things to think about nonetheless. i am not usually a fan of formulaic, dull, uninspiring movies of this genre) caitilin read some james joyce (whom i can only hope to understand someday) while i kept knitting. we didn't talk, but it is so good just to have someone sit with you. it mitigates the loneliness.

can't wait to embrace tommorow. my dad is visiting and i'm so excited to show him around beaver falls. also, he comes bearing a gift from my grandparents: a refridgerator. what a blessing! we've been using a mini fridge for awhile and it just does not fit everything for three people. i'm happy, and i hope it lasts for a little while.

appropriate lyrics from a yo la tengo song:

"Hey Mr. Tough
Don't you think we've suffered enough?
Why don't you meet me on the dancefloor
When it's Toddophonic time?
And if you need to tell me something once
You won't have to say it twice
And if you ask for a nickel
I'm gonna hand you a dime
And we'll forget about our problems
Ignore them for a little while
And leave our worries in the corner
Leave them in a big big pile
Pretend everything can be alright
Pretend everything can be alright
Pretend everything can be alright"

christians and government: an update

2009-09-22T08:08:00.000-07:00

here are some updates on my thoughts that were posted in the july entry entitled "anabaptists, capitalists, communists, libertarians, anarchists, and more!".

in july - i mentioned that i was inclined to anarchism because it is only effective through force or the threat of force.
now - i think that force is not the only reason that a government is effective. our government also works because it is a group of people coming together saying "hey, this is how we want to live as a society. these are our values." i no longer think anarchy is practical or desireable. anarchy also moves away from the idea that we are redemptive agents of our current culture because people completely withdrawl themselves from the system rather than engaging it and changing it.

in july - i referenced that anabaptists view that christians should not be engaged in the government because the government is only needed for those who do not adhere to the laws of Christ.
now - i am starting to think that christians are required to engage government with hopes of reconcilling it to Christ's vision rather than trying to build a separate Christian government. rather, we should redeem the government that is in place.

in july - i considered communism as a direction to push for in u.s. politics.
now - i'm still confident in communist ideals as the direction christians should push for the government to go. granted, we will screw this up because we're sinful humans. but i feel it is better to have an impractical ideal than to push for a government based on a faulty ethical premise (that of selfish consumer capitalism.

in july - i expressed concern about the influence of corporations in american politics.
now - i am even more concerned about this. all christians can do is vote for the best candidate. and i am more inclined now to think that voting is a good idea in contrast to my former anarchist tendencies.

special thanks to the following friends for helping me work out some of these ideas by making reading suggestions, disagreeing with me fervently, sharing a piece of scripture, asking good questions, playing devil's advocate, or sharing what the Holy Spirit has put on their own heart (even if you don't read this blog): krista, caitlin, adam, sam, and dan.

just tryin' to look good

2009-08-31T20:50:00.001-07:00

i'm thinking a lot about beauty lately. what it really means to be beautiful in God's eyes. we seem to try so hard to look good, but at the end of the day do we really? do we look beautiful to the people who matter? to God and those who share His vision? i was looking at some photo's on magnum's site and came across this one:

i think this photo portrays well all of the effort that goes into looking good when you just end up looking ridiculous and paying insane amounts of money on a crazy dress that doesn't fit, is uncomfortable, you will never wear it again, and you'll just get a stain on it anyway (it is only temporary).

the definition of beauty has become something that i am re-evaluating daily. will shaving my legs, wearing makeup, and buying "nice" clothes really make me happy? or am i just buying into the lie. the lie that i have to buy these products to feel good about myself...to be presentable...to be legitimate or professional...to attract the opposite sex (this is a big one). advertisements for products claim to provide these things, but God can fill the wholes that products can't.

truthfully, i may buy into these lies more than i'd like to think that i do.

i <3 bf

2009-08-24T19:26:00.000-07:00

i am truly embracing my new life in beaver falls. there are some great people here, and i'm having some very unique experiences that would only happen here in this defunct steel town. here is a list of the things i love about my new hometown:

-everyone here hangs out on their porch. i actually have the opportunity to meet my neighbors.

-things are in walking distance: oram's donuts, china wok, salvation army (a.k.a. my fab job), the geneva library, athens greek food, the carnegie library, the post office, and of course my beloved bfcat. who needs a car?!?

-eating dinners with people. sunday dinners with the city house crew, and making rice and beans with cait! food sharing is one of my favorite things.

-being near the train and the river

-the closeness of pittsburgh, so many fun things there!

-watching polo in darlington. where else in the world does this happen?!?

-being in close proximity to the college. also, being surrounded with people who like to talk about liberal-artsy things.

-my awesome house.

-wing night. i am truly embracing western, pa. yes yinzers, wing night is a western pa thing. i also say "pop" instead of "soda" now. it wasn't intentional...it just happened.

loving life.
pray i keep on top of things and get a steady job.

appropriately enough - the song i'm loving right now is called "home" by edward sharpe and the magnetic zeros (thanks for telling me about them ash!)

what i ponder on my day off

2009-08-16T17:40:00.001-07:00

the lies of the world are exposed. i see them in every crevice of this sinful place. although there is much beauty to be found here, it is evident that something has gone horribly awry. the more i learn about the God who created this place – who He is and what He intended - the more i realize just how terrible things are. this is certainly not what His kingdom should look like.

how can we be expected to live out a righteous life in this setting? i suppose Christ did it. but for me this is impossible. the world does not permit me to live righteously. everything is just too messed up.

now i talk as if i’m some sort of victim. as if my sin doesn’t affect the state of the world. i cause this problem. my own lies.

i look around me and i see a world that is broken – but hopeful. waiting for the redemption that only God can bring to His creation.

My God - expose the lies daily, replace them with Truth. i will live in anticipation of Your coming. i know it is impossible to live as You ask – to be the servant of all – but i will try, and strive to know Truth rather than buy into the lies of satan and the temptations of sin.

kingdom ethics

2009-08-08T20:37:00.000-07:00

Jesus words continually blow my mind:

blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
blessed are those who mourn,
for they shall be comforted.
blessed are the meek,
for they shall inherit the earth.
blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they shall be filled
blessed are the merciful,
for they shall obtain mercy.
blessed are the pure in heart,
for they shall see God.
blessed are the peacemakers,
for they shall be called Sons of God.
blessed are those who are persecuted for rightousness sake,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

God help me try to live this in a sinful world.

observation

2009-07-08T11:07:00.000-07:00

if i don't drive around the park,
i'm pretty sure to make my mark.
if i'm in bed each night by ten,
i may get back my looks again.
if i abstain from fun and such,
i'll probably amount to much;
but i shall stay the way i am,
because i do not give a damn.

when i read dorothy parker, i remember that it doesn't matter what anybody thinks of me. it only matters what God thinks...

...and i think He likes me.

anabaptists, capitalists, communists, libertarians, anarchists, and more!

2009-07-03T17:38:00.000-07:00

i really like to have my ideas more developed before i post them. but i thought for the sake of tracking my thoughts over time that i would post some things i'm thinking about right now, and then maybe on this blog i can track some of the progressions in my thought. the issue at hand: the kind of government i want to support, and what a christian's role in that government should be.

some thoughts:

- God and i have had some long, difficult conversations over the years about whether or not pacifism is a good thing, and after these conversations i am thoroughly convinced that i (along with all true followers of Christ) should be entirely non-violent. the big problem this is bringing up for me now is that, because our government only has power by utilizing force or the threat of force, how can i support any form of government? this makes anarchism seem like a good route.

- obviously everyone is not a follower of Christ, and some form of government is needed to keep things in line. the anabaptist view (to which i often tend to agree) says that christians should not be involved in government at all, except that they should obey laws that do not expressly cause one to sin as to keep people from saying things like "oh those christians, always speeding"(see Romans 13). but they should not vote or take any government office. in this view those who are not believers need government because we are in a fallen world, but it is not for christians.

- christians have a command to love our neighbor, namely the poor. what is the best way to do this? economically speaking, i feel the best method to do this is communism (true communism, not a dictatorship disguised as communism as one might see in china). however, christians being involved in a communist government is a far cry from an anarchist or an anabaptist view. but also, the ideal christian communities that are described by anarchists and anabaptists often reflect something like communism, but that is only amongst christians.

- i am increasingly disturbed by the fact that the people that are elected as presidents of america are those that have the funding from large corporations. often they are corporations that have mistreated their workers. these people are clearly more concerned about profit than about who would be a good person to uphold the constitution, which gives workers their rights. this is the kind of thing that is bred in this free market, capitalist system. an average jo that is better at the job of running the executive branch will never be president because it is the corporations that dictate who the candidates are.

- the smaller scale the communities are, the better they seem to be economically. i am not a huge fan of globalism. it takes jobs away from communities that need them. this brings up one thing i can appreciate about libertarians (despite their blatant affirmation of capitalism). they understand that a state government should have much more of a role in its community than the federal government. although, i would say there should be a lot more power for more smaller local governments to say what happens in their communities (ex// county, city, town governments).

a couple of thoughts. nothing cohesive or comprehensive. i am frustrated, but trusting God to reveal His will to me so that i can know how i can live to please Him and love my neighbor.

messes of men

2009-06-27T21:03:00.000-07:00

"i do not exist,"
we faithfully insist
sailing in our separate ships, and in each tiny caravel -

tiring of trying,
there's a necessary dying
like the horseshoe crab in its proper season sheds its shell.

such distance from our friends,
like a scratch across a lens,
made everything look wrong from anywhere we stood

and our paper blew away
before we'd left the bay
so half-blind we wrote these songs on sheets of salty wood.

you caught me making eyes
at the other boatmen's wives
and heard me laughing louder at the jokes told by their daughters

i'd set my course for land,
but you well understand
it takes a steady hand to navigate adulterous waters

the propeller's spinning blades
held acquaintance with the waves
as there's mistakes i've made no rowing could outrun

the cloth low on the mast
like to say i've got no past
but i'm nonetheless the librarian and secretary's son

with tarnish on my brass
and mildew on my glass
i'd never want someone so crass as to want someone like me

but a few leagues off the shore,
i bit a flashing lure
and i assure you, it was not what it expected it to be!

i still taste its kiss,
that dull hook in my lip
is a memory as useless as a rod without a reel
to an anchor-ever-dropped-seasick-yet-still-docked captain spotted napping with his first mate at the wheel

floating forgetfully along,
with no need to be strong.
we keep our confessions long and when we pray we keep it short

I DRANK A THIMBLE OF FIRE AND I'M NOT EVER GOING BACK! OH MY GOD!

"i do not exist,"
we faithfully insist
while watching sink the heavy ship of everything we knew

if ever you come near
i'll hold up high a mirror
Lord, i could never show you anything as beautiful as You

why not be utterly changed into fire?

2009-06-15T23:10:00.000-07:00

there's a lot i could say about the progression of mewithoutYou's music, having followed it since their first album, and continuing to be a fan over the years, but i'm going to let the music speak for itself. look up the lyrics for a greater understanding of the changes in attitude with each year and each album. i love that you can tell that they have changed as people, and their music reflects that. there has been a true transformation...from suffering to joy, from chaos to peace, from hatefulness to forgiveness.

Year: 2002
Song: Bullet to Binary
Album: A-->B Life
Quote from the song: "Don't you tell us about your suffering! No! Look in our eyes! Look in our eyes!"

Year: 2005
Song: Tie Me Up! Untie Me!
Album: Catch For Us The Foxes
Quote from the song: "Didn't You untie me Lord? And now I haven't even thought about killing myself in almost 5 months."

Year: 2006
Song: The Dryness and the Rain
Album: Brother, Sister
Quote from the song: "I'm gonna take that grain and crush it all together, into the flour of a bread that's small and simple and sincere; as when the dryness and the rain finally drink from one another a gentle cup of mutually surrendered tears."

Year: 2007
Song: Torches Together
Album: Catch For Us The Foxes
Quote from the song: "I'm afraid, and everyone's afraid, and everyone knows it. But we don't have to be afraid anymore."

Year: 2009
Song: Bullet to Binary (Pt. 2)
Album: it's all crazy! it's all false! it's all a dream! it's alright
Quote from the song: "We all well know, we're gonna reap what we sow. But grace we all know, can take the place of all we owe. So why not? Let's forgive everyone, everywhere, everything, all the time!"

we feel it in the one drop

2009-06-14T21:36:00.000-07:00

i watched a lot of bob marley stuff on the internet. you know how it goes, link leads to a link, leads to a link...etc. but here is a bob marley song for you all. i am loving this right now. just so you know "Jah" is just another word for God in this song. those rastafarians had a lot of beneficial things to say, i am learning. lyrics are below!

feel it in the one drop;
and we'll still find time to rap;
we're making the one stop,
the generation gap;
so feel this drumbeat
as it beats within,
playing a rhythm,
resisting against the system
singing: i know Jah will never let us down;
pull your rights from wrong

they made their world so hard
every day we got to keep on fighting;
they made their world so hard
every day the people are dying
dread, dread, dread
for hunger and starvation, lamentation,
but read it in Revelation:
you'll find your redemption!

give us the teachings of His Majesty,
for we no want no devil philosophy;
give us the teachings of His Majesty,
we no want no devil philosophy.

we feel it in the one drop;
and we still find time to rap;
we're making a one stop,
and we filling the gap:
so feel this drumbeat
as it beats within
playing a rhythm
fighting against "ism" and "schism",
singing: I know Jah will never let us down.

they made their world so hard
every day we got to keep on fighting;
they made their world so hard
every day the people are dying
dread, dread, dread, dread

give us the teachings of His Majesty!
we no want no devil philosophy. can you hear?
give us the teachings of His Majesty,
for we no want no higher ideology.

shut yo mouth

2009-06-11T21:43:00.000-07:00

in my infamously despicable youth i had a pretty big mouth. if you think i have a big mouth now, you have no idea. there was minimal to no discretion used and most of the things i said were hurtful, unnecessary, and utter nonsense. this was mostly due to my desire to be loved, a generally sinful heart, and a strange habit i developed of listening to a lot of crap on talk radio. my actions changed in high school when i started reading through the book of Proverbs. i constantly came across verses like, “All the utterances of my mouth are in righteousness; There is nothing crooked or perverted in them.” and, “With his mouth the godless man destroys his neighbor, But through knowledge the righteous will be delivered.” i highlighted these kinds of verses in blue…there is a lot of blue throughout the proverbs, let me tell you.

despite the difference in my life after i confessed my sins to the Holy Spirit (and to some specific people), the temptation to open my mouth has continued. i gossip and put others down in order to pull myself up. i am unnecessarily sarcastic and rude. i feel a certain sickness in my stomach, even as the words are coming out of my mouth. and the foul aftertaste of words spoken will often linger for weeks after i’ve said something particularly stupid. i am annoyed when i see it in other people, and yet i do it myself. the phrase, “Those who know don’t talk, and those who talk don’t know” certainly does seem to be true. like that kid in your political science class who only talks to seem smart, not in an effort to really share or learn anything. who wants to be that guy?

anyway, i’m thinking about these things again. the temptation to do the wrong thing does not often ever completely disappear. oh how i loathe sin! Jesus was falsely accused at His “trial” and said nothing, “What new mystery is this? What blessed backwardness? The Immeasurable One is held and does not resist! Struck by wicked words and foolishness of senseless men, the Almighty One does not defend!”. what if i could just shut my mouth? and the temptation to say anything but wisdom and His truth would leave me. wouldn’t it be glorious?

i’m so glad that, “No clever talk, nor gift to bring, requires our lowly lovely King”.

numbers

2009-06-04T17:12:00.000-07:00

one of the highlights of annie dillard’s book “for the time being”:

“The mass killings and genocides recur on earth does not mean that they are similar. Each instance of human, moral evil, and each victim’s personal death, possesses its unique history and form. To generalize, as Cynthia Ozick points out, is to “befog” evil’s specificity. Any blurring is dangerous, if inevitable, because the deaths of a few hundred scholars or ten thousand people or one million or thirty million people pain little at diminishing removes of time and place. Shall we contemplate Chinese scholars’ beheadings twenty-three centuries ago? It hurts worse to break a leg.
What, here in the West, is the numerical limit to our working idea of “the individual”? As recently as 1894, bubonic plague killed 13 million people in Asia—the same plague that killed twenty-five million Europeans five and a half centuries earlier. Have you even heard mention of this recent bubonic plague? Can our prizing of each human life weaken with the square of the distance, as gravity does?
Do we believe the individual is precious, or do we not? My children and your children and their children? Of course. The 250,000 Karen tribespeople who are living now in Thailand? Your grandfather? The family of men, women, and children who live in central Asia as peoples called Ingush, Chechen, Buryats, and Bashliks? The people your address book tracks? Any other group you care to mention among the 5.9 billion persons now living, or perhaps among the 80 billion dead?
There are about a billion more people living now than there are years since our sun condensed from interstellar gas. I cannot make sense of this.”

I was looking at some old photos on slate.com, in light of the anniversary of the events at tiananmen square today 20 years ago. Here are a couple that stood out to me:

this is a picture of the protesting students offering drinks to the soldiers. this is how us brothers and sisters should protest injustice, by countering it with love.

this is some students a couple of weeks before the massacre. they are my age. pictures like this remind me of the acutal person-hood of those involved. each of these people has a life with family and friends who care about them.

dillard warns us about letting people become just a number.
all of us have worth.

baby steps

2009-05-31T19:48:00.000-07:00

Jesus taught me something today as i was moving out of my apartment. i thought it might be worth sharing. so i was grumbling while i was cleaning my bathroom thinking how no matter what i did to it, it was going to be a lot cleaner than when i first moved in. then i thought about my stupid landlady, and her stupid beard, and that she never fixed anything we called her about, and how this was such a crappy apartment…etc. well, i had moved on to cleaning the toilet, and i had a "brilliant" idea! i'll half-ass it! i mean really, i have every excuse to not clean this toliet thoroughly, my landlady has been so lame! why should i do her any favors?!? this toilet was disgusting, but it is already cleaner than it was when i moved in, so why should i clean it more?

this is where the Holy Spirit stopped me.

Colossians 3:23-24 came to mind, “In whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ”. i felt instant shame. am i not commanded to love my neighbor…and even my enemies? and after all didn’t Christ say that what i do to the least of these i do to Him also (Matthew 25:40)? and isn’t even my bearded landlady made in the image of my God? shouldn’t i be doing all things excellently and for His glory? ..."yes, indeed" was the answer to each question.

i chose not to shrug off the Holy Spirit this time. i scrubbed that toilet as if i knew that Jesus Christ Himself would be returning in only a couple of hours, and He would want to sit on His porcelain throne when He got there. i even got that really icky spot behind the toilet on the floor. it was there when we moved in, but both jess and i avoided it because it was just gross, and you couldn’t really see it anyway because of it’s positioning behind the toilet. i know it sounds ridiculous, but cleaning that toilet was my “duty of the moment” (Catherine Doherty). Christ says my desire should be to become the “last of all, and servant of all” (Mark 9:45).

baby steps…

singing forgiveness songs in the city of brotherly love

2009-05-24T19:03:00.000-07:00

so many cool things happened this weekend.

i drove down to philly with some lively people. it ended up being a fun, scenic drive. we stayed over some people’s house in the city. one of my favorite things in life is being with people are awesomely hospitable. they let me sleep in their bed and made me pancakes, and i used their shower. just nice people. Allah, Allah, Allah, in everyone we meet!

the next morning i left the fun people i came with and met up with kristin came from lancaster and we spent the day site-seeing. we went to the liberty bell…definitely an interesting experience…ironic that they used the liberty bell as a symbol to prompt people to buy war bonds. oh my. but i guess that’s why we have to blow up iraq huh? We have to bring liberty! ….okay political tangent over.

but then we went to the philadelphia museum of art. i took a lot of pictures on my phone of all the paintings of st.francis. he’s my favorite. other than that i especially liked the paintings that depicted crazy events that happened to royalty long ago in india. here’s a picture of my favorite one called, “Maharao Ram Singh II of Kota Riding His Horse on the Palace Roof”:

after the museum it was off to mewithoutYou’s c.d. release show! in line i saw a couple peeps from geneva, as well as a girl i used to babysit when i was in middle school! and it’s a small world after all. but what a show. despite the fact that kristin was surrounded by teenage boys that wanted to feel her up and i was surrounded by teenage girls that liked to elbow people for no reason, we both enjoyed the show. oh yeah, and there was also this other kid who i called “loud guy to our left” who kept yelling stupid things. people are crazy, i keep forgetting this. there was such a good vibe! and it was so cute the parents of the boys in the band (in their khaki shorts and button up shirts) were all there in the balcony watching. a fantastic time was had.

then i went home to lancaster and got to see my family. my grandparents even made a surprise visit! i was glad just to spend a little bit of time with them. i won’t get to see them very much since i’ll be living in the good ol’ bf.

here are some verses from the last song that mwY played at the show:

it doesn’t matter what you’ve done
It doesn’t matter what you’ve done
what effect is without a cause?
it doesn’t matter what you’ve done
now lay your faithless head down
in necessity’s Cotton Hand
there’s a Love that never changes
no matter what you’ve done.

or if you’re old man did you wrong
you’re old man did you wrong
if you’re old man did you wrong
maybe his old man did him wrong
if you care to sing forgiveness songs
come down and join our band
we’ll cut you like a Sword
and sing forgiveness songs!

it's all crazy! it's all false! it's all a dream! it's alright

2009-05-21T11:30:00.000-07:00

school’s over.

let me just meditate on that statement for a little bit. i’m officially qualified. for what? i’m not sure exactly. i feel like just when i became really good at being a student, being a good student stopped mattering. not that i shouldn’t continue to learn, and educate myself, but in all practicality, i need a job that pays money. why? because that’s just what you do to survive in this world.

at this point, i have no career goals. i don’t know what Jesus wants me to do, so i’m just kind of waiting on Him to tell me. since break i’ve had the chance to do some not-so-required reading for once, and i chose to re-read kierkegaard’s “the sickness unto death”. kierkegaard says that “the self”, or the spirit, can not be truly understood unless it is in a relationship with “the other”, or Jesus. this does make a good bit of sense, after all how better for a created creature to understand itself than to understand it’s Creator. so i figure my “goal” should be to come to know my God more intimately and devote myself to learning more about Him and following His teachings.

this certainly does not mean that i do not continue to live life and get by with whatever jobs are out there waiting around for God’s call. i don’t care to be idle, and i don’t think laziness is something that Scripture encourages. but i will passionately seek a stronger relationship with God in addition to living my life in what may not be ideal circumstances. God may use these circumstances to show me where i should go with my "career" (i really don't like that word).

theoretically, this will give me more direction. or maybe He prefers me to be unsure, so i’m not relying on my own devices and i can wholeheartedly trust Him with my life.

this thought process has left me strangely content with a life that appears directionless when looking through the lenses of the world. i don’t have a job, or a place to live in the near future…and I’m okay with that.

we are either immortal horrors or everlasting splendors

2009-05-04T10:32:00.000-07:00

and again, c.s. lewis has something interesting to say. today i decided that his essay "the weight of glory" is one of the more beautiful things i've read in my life. and of course, it speaks to me personally.

for the first bit of the essay he talks about the struggles of daily obedience to Christ. he reminds me of how i view the christian life, how obedience to God often begins to feel like a mundane task that must be accomplished to maintain a sense of generativity and to keep myself from the terrible things of this world. but then lewis says something very interesting indeed, "Meanwhile the cross comes before the crown and tomorrow is a Monday morning. A cleft has opened in the pitiless walls of the world, and we are invited to follow our great Captian inside. The following Him is, of course the essential point." following Christ is so much more crazy and adventurous than i tend to make it sound.

lewis then talks about the incredible job of loving one's neighbor, "It may be possible for each to think too much of his own potential glory hereafter; it is hardly possible for him to think too often or too deeply about that of his neighbour. The load, or weight, or burden of my neighbour's glory should be laid on my back, a load so heavy that only humility can carry it, and the backs of the proud wll be broken."

lewis then draws out the infinite importance of loving our neighbor, and treating them like the creatures that they really are, "There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal...it is immortals who we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit-immortal horrors, or everlasting splendors. This does not mean we are to be perpetually solemn. We must play. But our merriment must be of that kind (and it is, in fact, the merriest kind) which exists between people who have, from the outset, taken each other seriously-no flippancy, no superiority, no presumption. And our charity must be a real and costly love, with deep feeling for the sins in spite of which we love the sinner-no mere tolerance, or indulgence which parodies love as flippancy parodies merriment. Next to the Blessed Sacrament itself your neighbor is the holiest object presented to your senses. If he is your Christian neighbor he is holy in almost the same way, for in him also Christ vere latitat-the glorifier and the glorified, Glory Himself is truly hidden."

God, help me to view people this way.
as your creations,
bound for horror or splendor.

oh, conviction

2009-04-26T18:59:00.001-07:00

it has been a long stressful couple of days, but i suppose i will blog feelings about that later, right now there is something on my mind.

my personal battle against complacent christianity continues…

something i read a little while ago in c.s. lewis’ “The Screwtape Letters” really got me thinking. lewis brings out the point that christians often rally around a cause (he actually used pacifism as an example) rather than focus on Christ.

oh, conviction.

i can be anti-war, anti-government, pro-life or whatever, but it shouldn’t replace my relationship with Christ. even christianity itself can become an ideology that trumps relationship. the second i start identifying with an ideology before i identify myself as a child of God, i am treading on dangerous ground.

i spent this whole weekend working on my Hebrews paper, among many other things. my study of Hebrews also shed some light on the subject. Hebrews 12: 17 says, “For you know that afterward, when [Esau] wanted to inherit the blessing, he was rejected, for he found no place for repentance, though he sought it diligently with tears”. i suppose it seems kind of unrelated, but my thought was that when we are identifying ourselves with an ideology rather than Christ we begin to feel a strong sense of right rather than confess our sins. that breeds not only a hatred for our brothers and sisters (for esau it was his literal brother), but a separation from communion with God.

closing thoughts:
christianity (or fill-in-the-blank ideology) without a relationship with God is empty.
keep talking to God, no matter where you're at. this is the most important.

He is risen indeed

2009-04-12T20:05:00.000-07:00

several things:

i made my first hat.
here is my sister rachael being pensive and wearing it.

i made a second hat.
here is my other sister charity modeling it.

i went to a sweet art show about the last days of Christ, which prompted me to make some easter art. these are about Jesus.

lastly, a reminder of the meaning of easter. Ephesians 2:

"As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath.

BUT

because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages He might show the incomparable riches of His grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus."

...praise God that Jesus conquered death!
...praise God for the resurrection of the dead!

every thought a Thought of You

2009-04-10T21:50:00.001-07:00

reasons i love the new song from mwY:
it's different
but good
it's thoughtful
there are kierkegaard allusions
daniel smith produces! yes!
it compels me to dance
there is trumpet

if you are not convinced,
listen to the song in its entirety.
happy break all.

some days i just want to give up

2009-04-02T09:09:00.000-07:00

life is too much work sometimes. here is a dorothy parker poem called "coda" that mirrors my sentiments:

There's little in taking or giving,
There's little in water or wine;
This living, this living, this living
Was never a project of mine.
Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
The gain of the one at the top,
For art is a form of catharsis,
And love is a permanent flop,
And work is the province of cattle,
And rest's for a clam in a shell,
So I'm thinking of throwing the battle ---
Would you kindly direct me to hell?

don't worry, i'm not suicidal.
...and back to work.

united and loving it

2009-03-24T10:56:00.001-07:00

i love that the body of Christ is like a huge family. we all come with our failures, insecurities, and imperfections, but there is unconditional love nonetheless.

today three friends and i just had fun together and reveled in the sense of unity that we felt with one another. so much so that we actually decided to walk around and hold hands...all four of us, guys and girls, in public...and we didn't care what anybody else thought. we love each other and who the hell cares?!?! followers of Christ are truly a "peculiar people".

as always. here are some song lyrics. this is called "a new family" by colour revolt:

When you got it
You got it
A place to overthrow
We've got friends here
A new family
A home away from home

When you got it
When you got no place to go
We've got friends here
We've got a home away from home
We got it

spring break recap

2009-03-20T11:09:00.000-07:00

in an effort to be more positive i am going to make a list of the things i accomplished over break rather than dwell on all the things i didn’t accomplish:

- slept, it was just as glorious as it sounds

- had good praying time

- organized my closet, the beast that it is

- made significant progress on bob’s scarf

- hung out at ambridge high school. so fun.

- read books, both assigned and recreational: tolstoy’s “the kingdom of God is within you”, vonnegut’s “breakfast of champions” (yes, again), huxley’s “brave new world”, alcorn’s “money, possessions, and eternity”, and lewis’ “the screwtape letters”. i would recommend any of these books

- visited my aunt, uncle, cousins and such

- watched transformers and played chess with bob

- had amanda dye my hair.

- watched my first guy ritchie film at kimmy’s suggestion “snatch”, as well as “nick and nora’s infinite playlist”.

- went on an adventure with rob that involved waffles, fruit snacks, sunglasses, and three new c.d.’s at bargain prices: return the gift by gang of four, news and tributes by the futureheads, and franz ferdinand’s self-titled album.

- made pancakes…yes i am counting this as an accomplishment.

- practiced songs with dan-o for club, can’t wait to play fly by sugar ray

this was a good exercise.
i feel better.

colour revolt

2009-03-15T12:39:00.000-07:00

this song is musically and lyrically incredible:

God is swinging from the liquor tree
licking everything He finds
God knows all about you and me
lucky i got something to hide

all along in the evergreens
baby's got a soul to steal
i know you and you know me
maybe we can make a deal

there goes adam with the devil's head
his body's all naked and red
well we're all naked now in our heads
but i know who made my bed

still i feel sorry for the devil's head
his mother never taught him no good
i'm still swinging from the liquor tree
and eden is a hell of a place

eden is a hell of a place

talk, talk, talk, talk your devils down
sun, sun, sun, sun is coming out
and burn, burn, burn all your witches out
and work, work, work till the day is out

nick and nora

2009-03-10T10:30:00.000-07:00

due to a couple of sources (one of them being watching "nick and nora's infinite playlist" on redbox), there has been this idea that i've been thinking a lot about lately. hold on tight we're talking about relationships here. namely, how much we suck at getting into them, and maintaining them.

why do we get into romantic relationships? it is seeming more and more to me like an entirely selfish endeavor. not that anyone has an intentional desire to hurt other people when they pursue a relationship with them, but the reasons for getting into the relationship is trying to feel some immediate need you have for yourself (i'm talking mostly about the physical nature, but emotions count here too). this is what drives us to use other people. what i have found to be the main and ultimate reason people do this (feel free to comment about other reasons you can think of) is loneliness. people are just not made to be alone, God didn't create us to be that way (see Genesis 2).

but how does one appease their loneliness without getting into a romantic relationship with someone that they shouldn't? it is so hard to say no to someone who genuinely cares about you, even if you don't feel the same way. and when you give in... for a brief moment that lonliness (sometimes coupled with low self-esteem) is gone. instead of waiting for God's perfect person that he wants for us, we try to make it happen ourselves by taking (no offense to that person) a cheap substitute for true love, a right now, self-gratifying, temporary affection. it's like taking chicken nuggets now, when, if you wait five minutes, you could have a steak! people have this kind of philosophy that can best be summed up in a song by the avett brothers:

"and i guess i might have made a few mistakes
but maybe that's exactly what it takes
to get a little happy in this big sad world"

sorry if you were looking for some kind of solution or closure here. i simply can't give it to you. i'm not one with answers, but i could probably come up with a dozen more questions. i suppose that's one of the things that makes me a good researcher in psychology, there's always a question i want answered. but here is one hunch/solution to the problem of lonliness: maybe, just maybe, we can all cling to Jesus and to being a servant to our brothers and sisters so that they will feel loved and we won't be lonely anymore. it seems just crazy enough to work. and we are all lonely, if we're honest, but that is not how we should feel as followers of Jesus. and now i am determined to leave an encouraging quote from, yes, mwY:

"Why burn poor and lonely?
Under a bowl or under a lampshade?
or on the shelf beside the bed
where at night you lay turning
like a door on it's hinges,
first on your left side
then on your right side
then your left side again.

why burn poor and lonely?
tell all the stones,
'we're gonna make a building!'
we'll be cut into shape
and set into place
or if you'd rather be a window
i'll gladly be the frame
reflecting any kind words
we'll let in all the blame
and ruin our reputation all the same

so nevermind our plan-making
we'll start living!
anyway aren't you unbearably sad?
then why burn so poor and lonely?!?

we'll be like torches together
hand in hand.

why pluck one string?
what good is just one note?
one string is fine i guess
but we were once 'one notes'
we were lonely wheat
quietly ground into grain
it was a light and momentary pain.
so why this safe distance?
this curious look?
why tear out single pages
when you can throw away the book?
why pluck one string
when you can strum the guitar?
strum the guitar!

strum the guitar with no beginning!
with no end!
take down the guitar
and strum the guitar!
strum the guitar if you're afraid!
and i'm afraid !
and everyone's afraid!
and everyone knows it.
but we don't have to be afraid...anymore."

help a brother out

2009-03-05T08:17:00.000-08:00

though so many things in my life are uncertain, the one thing that i look forward to is someday being a part of an amazing Christian community. so right now, i see it as my job to be active in bringing that community to fruition. it has been my mission, as of late, to try to be the most edifying person i can be. i want to build up my brothers and sisters in a loving Christian community. this means a lot of things, but here are some specific things i've been working on:

1. stop complaining. to quote the Darjeeling limited “we’ll stop feeling sorry for ourselves, it’s not very attractive”. no one wants to hear me complain, and it doesn’t do any good to me or anyone else. i am a whiner, so this has been difficult.

2. be in prayer for my friends, and remind them of it. i am very careful not to be someone who forgets a friends’ prayer requests. it has always been very comforting to me when someone tells me that they have been praying for me.

3. speak encouraging words. negativity is a disease and a tool of satan.

4. be available. i want my friends to know that they have a support system. i want to be a person that helps people with what they need. a Christian should never feel scared, alone, or overwhelmed in any situation, because their brothers and sisters should be there to help them.

5. read the word of God often. what better way to learn how to love our neighbor? i once had a pastor tell me, “why would you limit your reading of the Bible to just once a day?” this was a very important concept for me to understand because for many years of my life, i had a goal of getting to a place where i was reading the Bible everyday. but why would we, as followers of Christ, limit ourselves in that way? on this note, i have also been praying consistently for God to give me passion to do His work. passion is something i feel many of us Christians are lacking (see Acts 4, it inspires me).

all this being said, feel free to tell me to stop whining, give a prayer request, or ask for help. i wish that i naturally had a the heart of a servant, but the truth is that i am selfish, and i want to help myself before i even want to think about helping my neighbor. it is only by the grace of God that i can love sacrificially. the Bible tells us that “they will know we are Christians by our love”, and if we can’t love each other, how will we ever learn to love our enemies? that’s the next task ahead…

slow down, jo, slow down

2009-02-27T14:15:00.000-08:00

in the name of God, stop a moment, cease your work, look around you.
--leo tolstoy

the stones cry out,
bells shake the sky!
all of creation groans...

shhhhhhhhhhhh

listen to it.
--a. weiss

slow down, jo, slow down.
smell the roses.

just a reminder

2009-02-24T19:26:00.000-08:00

you don't need to be good

you don't need to be together

you don't need to be smart

you don't need to be cool

you don't need to be good looking

you don't need to be confident

you don't need to be successful

you don't need to be any of those things

you just need to be broken

and lonely

and humble

and needy.

which all of us are deep down

but we just hide it

and try and act confident and together.

come to God broken and then...

God is the physician,

God is the potter,

God is the loving healer,

the mother and the father

and lover of us all,

the restorer,

the forgiver,

the most patient one,

the most merciful,

the most kind and gentle one.

we will find all we need in God,

in His provision and protection.

....this is mostly a reminder to me.

(someone else said this so don't give me credit)

let's live like we're alive

2009-02-12T15:14:00.000-08:00

DEATH be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadfull, for, thou art not so,
For, those, whom thou think'st, thou dost overthrow,
Die not, poore death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
From rest and sleepe, which but thy pictures bee,
Much pleasure, then from thee, much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee doe goe,
Rest of their bones, and soules deliverie.
Thou art slave to Fate, Chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poyson, warre, and sicknesse dwell,
And poppie, or charmes can make us sleepe as well,
And better then thy stroake; why swell'st thou then;
One short sleepe past, wee wake eternally,
And death shall be no more; death, thou shalt die.

john donne has a point there. it reminds me of Romans 6:
"For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his. We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin. For one who has died has been set free from sin. Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him. For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God. So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus.

Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, to make you obey its passions. Do not present your members to sin as instruments for unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness. For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace."

as Christians, we don't have to fear death.
not eternal death,
and not the constant death in our daily lives that occurs becaus of the fallen state of the world. death happens daily in our life when we are not living life to the full in only the way that Jesus can let us and that God intended.
no fear.

active opposition

2009-02-11T14:23:00.000-08:00

ok, so i'm taking this book study on a book called "money, possessions, and eternity". the last chapter i read went on and on about materialism and blah, and told all these stories about how televangelists got caught up in terrible scandals. not suprising to me.

what got to me was how this quote from the author, "'But I don’t support such ministries and I never have,' someone might say. Scripture doesn’t let us off so easily. There is one body of Christ, and we’re all members of it. I can’t separate myself from the rest of the Church. I must ask, how is my life resisting materialism in the Church rather than contributing to it? How am I providing a model that’s a clear alternative to the materialism undermining the integrity of the Christian community”?

now there's an idea! don’t just disapprove, actively oppose. in my mind i relate it to my own opinions about how Jesus calls us to be non-resistant. non-resistance does not mean just don’t shoot someone, it means go and actively love them. i think that Jesus calls us to act this way in all areas of life, to be active rather than apathetic in our opposition of evil. it is part of God’s redemptive plan. Jesus wants us to go above and beyond to bring forth His Kingdom.

more examples: don’t just not litter, plant a tree; don’t just not gossip about your neighbor, share an encouraging word; don’t just give your tithe, give til it hurts.

...and the church needs to do it together so that we can be sure that we are truly representing Jesus to the world.

lead me not into temptation

2009-02-04T14:58:00.000-08:00

Hebrews 4:12-13 says, “For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of the soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart. And there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are naked and open to the eyes of Him to whom we must give account.”

this passage seems to get at, at least indirectly, one reason why many people find it so difficult to read their Bible consistently. so apparently, the Bible lets the intents of our hearts be known. and when that happens, God is in a position to do crazy-awesome things in our lives. conviction is ridiculously powerful and it brings people closer to God. our relationship with God is strengthened when we confess those innermost evil thoughts and the outward sins we often deny.

according to this passage it is the Word of God that has the power to bring us to this point of confession. when are we closest to God? when there is nothing between us. nothing to get in the way of our relationship. (not that we can keep anything from God anyway.) the last thing Satan wants is for us to read the Word of God so that we can be close with Him and therefore, farther away from Satan (the screwtape letters comes to mind). didn't Jesus teach us to pray, “lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil”?

personally i have found that the times when i do end up reading the Bible even though i don't feel like it, are the times that i really needed to be reading it the most. it is during the time i am pondering “read God’s Word, don’t read God’s Word” where Satan has the potential to get a foothold in my soul.

when a person first makes a commitment to Christ, it is always the first suggestion to the new believer that they keep in the Word of God often. i think it is important to look at passages of Scripture like this. it is helpful for me not just to know that i should read the Bible, but to really understand why. i wish scmeone would have explained this to me in my youth. i was such a legalist, a dualist. i love knowing that reading the Word of God is about building a relationship with Him and not about figuring out what the "good" things are to do, and what "bad" things i should stay away from. Godwhen i was younger, I always understood reading the Bible as something you just should do. we should not underestimate the power that the Word of God has to transform lives.

to summarize: reading the Word of God leads to conviction, conviction brings us closer to God, Satan hates it, we should know why it is important to read the Bible, then it can really change us.

ideas on love from carl sandburg

2009-01-27T13:51:00.000-08:00

A bag of tricks--is it?
And a game smoothies play?
If you're good with a deck of cards
or rolling the bones--that helps?
If you can tell jokes and be a chum
and make an impression--that helps?
When boy meets girl or girl meets boy--
what helps?
They all help: be cozy but not too cozy:
be shy, bashful, mysterious, yet only so-so:
then forget everything you ever heard about love
for it's a summer tan and a winter windburn
and it comes as weather comes and you can't change it:
it comes like your face came to you, like your legs came
and the way you walk, talk, hold your head and hands--
and nothing can be done about it--you wait and pray.
Is there any way of measuring love?
Yes but not till long afterwared
when the beat of your heart has gone
many miles, far into the big numbers.
Is the key to love in passion, knowledge, affection?
All three--along with moonlight, roses, groceries,
givings and forgivings, gettings and forgettings,
keepsakes and room rent,
pearls of memory along with ham and eggs.
Can love be locked away and kept hid?
Yes and it gathers dust and mildew
and shrivels itself in shadows
unless it learns the sun can help,
snow, rain, storms can help--
birds in their one-room family nests
shaken by winds cruel and crazy--
they can all help:
lock not away your love nor keep it hid.

How comes the first sign of love?
In a chill, in a personal sweat,
in a you-and-me, us, us two,
in a couple of answers,
an amethyst haze on the horizon,
two dance programs criss-crossed,
jackknifed initials interwoven,
five fresh violets lost in sea salt,
birds flying at single big moments
in and out a thousand windows,
a horse, two horses, many horses,
a silver ring, a brass cry,
a golden gong going ong ong ong-ng-ng,
pink doors closing one by one
to sunset nightsongs along the west,
shafts and handels of stars,
folds of moonmist curtains,
winding and unwinding wisps of fogmist.

How long does love last?
As long as glass bubbles handled with care
or two hot-house orchids in a blizzard
or one solid immovable steel anvil
tempered in sure inexorable welding--
or again love might last as
six snowflakes, six hexagonal snowflakes,
six floating hexagonal flakes of snow
or the oaths between hydrogen and oxygen
in one cup of spring water
or the eyes of bucks and does
or two wishes riding on the back of a
morning wind in winter
or one corner of an ancient tabernacle held sacred for personal devotions
or dust yes dust in a little solemn heap
played on by changing winds.

There are sanctuaries
holding honey and salt.
There are those who
spill and spend.
There are those who
search and save.
And love may be a quest
with silence and content.
Can you buy love?
Sure every day with money, clothes, candy,
with promises, flowers, big-talk,
with laughter, sweet-talk, lies,
everyday men and women buy love
and take it away and things happen
and they study about it
and the longer they look at it
the more it isn't love they bought at all:
bought love is a guaranteed imitation.

Can you sell love?
Yes you can sell it and take the price
and think it over
and look again at the price
and cry and cry to yourself
and wonder who was selling what and why.
Evensong lights floating black night waters,
a lagoon of stars washed in velvet shadows,
a great strom cry from white sea-horses--
these moments cost beyond all prices.

Bidden or unbidden? how comes love?
Both bidden adn unbidden, a sneak and a shadow,
a dawn in a doorway throwing a dazzle
or a sash of light in a blue fog,
a slow blinking of two read lanterns in river mist
or a deep smoke winding one hump of a mountain
and the smoke becomes a smoke known to your own
twisted individual garments:
the winding of it get into your walk, your hands,
your face and eyes.

material girl

2009-01-24T15:52:00.000-08:00

contrary to common belief. happiness really can't be found in things. i was reminded of this last night while watching one of my favorite movies "The Darjeeling Limited". to give you a very brief synopsis of the film: the main characters in this film are three rich young brothers who all have their own set of issues, and they set out on a spiritual journey together...and hilarity ensues. there is a song that comes up a couple of times throughout the movie. one of the three brothers, jack, often plays this song on his ipod. so i downloaded the song today, because it sounds fun and i like it. and so i was enjoying peter sarstedt's soothing voice, and writhing in response to his brilliant use of both acoustic guitar and accordian, i realized that the song was about a girl who can't seem to find happiness in her riches. it talks about her extravagant lifestyle: her fine wines, her designer clothes, expensive jewelry, a high class apartment, invitations to exclusive events, the best education, the best vacations. these types of things can never bring us peace. for christians living in america this is something that we must remind ourselves of often because we are constantly being bombarded with the lie that peace and happiness can be bought. though this song was written in 1969, i think that this song could easily translate today to britney spears or paris hilton or [fill in rich young girl's name here], and it can be a nice reminder to all of us that the only place to find contentment is in Christ alone. anyway, the song is beautiful so you should listen to it. here you go:

Where Do You Go To (My Lovely) - Peter Sarstedt

senioritis

2009-01-19T09:26:00.000-08:00

i never thought that i would be one to get senioritis. i have always loved being a student, and being a younglife leader. but this semester, i find myself not caring about much. i want to be done. i feel tired, and i feel as though my position in life is a burden. i feel as though i have been doing this for years and i just need a break.

but really, i'm sad that i feel this way. school and younglife are two things that i have always been really passionate about. now i just feel lethargic about all aspects of my life. even the future, i don't feel as though i have much to look forward to because i'm not excited about anything, there's almost no motivation to go on. i think of the jars of clay song that i mentioned in a previous blog. their song entitled work says, "i don't have a line of prospects that can bring some kind of peace, there is nothing left to cling to that can bring me sweet release, i have no fear of drowning, it's the breathing that's taking all this work". work. it is just that. the physics definition of doing work is exerting force (or something like that, right rob?). i don't feel like exerting myself. i don't feel like doing work.

i suppose i should remind myself that work is a good thing. there are a couple of scriptures to reference that i think will help me to remember that work is good. Genesis 2:15 says, "Then the Lord God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to tend and keep it". and there you have it. from the very beginning God had in mind for us to do work. it is not part of the curse of sin, as some people think. the truth is that humans were created to do work. God's work specifically, the work of redemption. also, work is a way to bring glory to God. the scriptures often say things like, "...whatever you do, do to the glory of God" (1 Corinthians 10:31).

all this being said, i have come to the conclusion that senioritis is simply not acceptable. if i want all the things i do to be for the glory of God, i should put all of my effort into it. i know God has called me to be both a student and a younglife leader, why wouldn't i put my whole heart into doing my best at both for God's glory?

my friend leslie brought up the topic of prayer at younglife leadership this week, and i realized that the only way out of my current apathetic predicament is to pray. i want God to "light the fire again", if you will. for the rest of this semester i'm sure i will find myself praying for passion to do His work. your prayers would be appreciated as well. thanks friends.

the epicenter of cool

2009-01-15T13:55:00.001-08:00

never in a million years did i think that my apartment would be the epicenter of cool. who would wanna hang out at my house? it looks like crap. going into this year i really believed that everyone would be hanging out at "skinny house". skinny house is what we call the place where my lovely friends caroline, chelsea, laura, tara, and tiffany live. they are such awesome girls with a whole house, they are all so good at decorating and party planning, they even planted some flowers around their house. then there's what we call "outback house". outback house is the home of dann, evan, keith, nate, and steve-o. this house comes complete with a make-out room, hot tub, a basement with drums, guitar, bass, and sound equipment, and a huge movie screen. outback house is also the home of such famous events as the annual apple fest, best party around. although going into this school year i was excited to be visiting all of my friends awesome housing arrangements, i was sad because i though that no one would ever want to come over my house.

let's face it. my little apartment is not that high class. my roommate jessica and i have a motto that we repeat to ourselves about our apartment. we like to say, "it's ghetto, but it's ours". our apartment can be described as the following: There is one main room, one bedroom, one kitchen, one bathroom. The paint job is crappy, there is a leak in the bathroom, the heat escapes out the window, there's always construction going on in the hallway, the stairs up here are like a death-trap, there's a whole in the kitchen floor, the light doesn't work in the fridge, and there aren't enough parking spots. we have mis-matched furniture, no awesome stereosystems or gamesystems, there's no wall art, and the only plant is a cactus sitting by the sink. all that being said: i love the place.

i'm so thankful for this apartment, it's just what we need and no more. jessica just said to me, "you know what makes me sad? there are people who don't have an apartment right now. they're out in the cold".

not only do i have the job of being a good steward of this place, but i get to share it with people i love. we don't have a lot, but we get to enjoy the little things in life. here we play monopoly, write, knit, play guitar, make baked goods, study, watch both entertaining and educational movies, draw, and read. we talk about politics, daily anecdotes, theology, stewardship, our pet peeves, and what it means to live differently. despite the fact that we have what the rest of the world would call a crappy apartment, we see it as a beautiful place where great things happen everyday. we love when people come over and don't leave for hours. this is a place where we see community in action. where we can share things and ideas. it's a place that God is using to do His work.

giraffes

2009-01-01T14:41:00.001-08:00

this video speaks for itself:

it reminds me of the hot pink addendum days: www.purevolume.com/hotpinkaddendum

death to life and beyond

2008-12-27T18:59:00.000-08:00

chapter 35 of the book of Isaiah talks about God making things new. isaiah paints a beautiful picture of the New Jerusalem (or God’s coming Kingdom) will be like. the New Jerusalem is an overwhelming picture of God’s grace. verse one of chapter 25 calls the world a “desert wasteland blossoming”. i especially enjoyed the passage that said, “Then the lame shall leap like deer, And the tongue of the dumb sing”. i love this passage because it shows how extreme God’s mercy is. not only will the lame walk, they will leap like deer! not only will the dumb talk, they will sing! it reminds me of John 10:10, “…but I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly”. God does not just give us life, He gives us life to the full. God’s kingdom is going to be so far beyond just good.
when i read this it makes me want to remember to be joyful, because of the Lord’s mercies. it is so easy to forget that God is good when we see such devastation in the world caused by sin. everywhere you look there is war and selfishness, a desert wasteland, if you will. it is encouraging to remember that God is in the process of doing His redeeming work. He will make the wasteland blossom. He has brought life to me, and in turn it is my job to reflect God’s love and mercy on others. i want to respond. God is redeeming His creation, and i want to be a part of it. here is a song by sufjan stevens that makes me think about God’s greatness and how He lets us take part in this redemptive work. i'll put some lyrics below too:

if i am alive this time next year
will i have arrived in time to share?
mine is about as good this far
i'm still applied to what You are
and i am joining all my thoughts to You
and i'm preparing every part for You

i heard from the trees a great parade
and i heard from the hills a band was made
will i be invited to the sound?
will i be a part of what You've made?
and i am throwing all my thoughts away
and i'm destroying every bet i've made
and i am joining all my thoughts to You
and i'm preparing every part for You

some of the ideas in this song are taken from Isaiah 55, also awesome.
love you all : )

pretty

2008-12-24T14:59:00.000-08:00

i think tattoos are beautiful. i wanted to show you guys some options i'm thinking about.

the Lamb of God symbol looks like this:

"The next day [John the Baptist] saw Jesus coming toward him, and said, "Behold, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world!" -John 1:29 it represents Jesus!

the fish trinity symbol looks like this:

this not only is a symbol of the Trinity, but also the greek work "ichthus" is a sort of acronym for the phrase "Jesus Christ, Son of God, Savior".

i suppose i decided i really like symbols with animals incorporated and of course, i want it to have personal meaning. as far as body location i have no idea, but don't worry, there will be no tramp stamp.

thoughts?

family gathering

2008-12-19T19:21:00.001-08:00

i am so glad that there are people that love Jesus and each other. today i went to tom and barbara’s house. about 20 people showed up with a white elephant gift in one hand and a dish to share in the other. i got to have some great conversations with interesting people about topics such as: pizza places, knitting, astro-physics, and making soap. we all talked together, ate food together, read the Word together, laughed together, and prayed together. it was beautiful. i am not familiar with most of the people who were there, but i didn’t feel like a stranger. i felt like part of a family. how amazing it is to be part of the body of Christ.

at said gathering, there were some of the coolest white elephant gifts i have ever seen. i just happened to get a book that is a collection of works by sigmund freud…in german! my mom got a little bank from ukraine; it was a little fat man…with a hammer and sickle on his belly! other gifts included, an iron towel rack, teddy bear salt and pepper shakers, and (my personal favorite) a neon lighted guitar wall clock.

Say some prayers for my dad, he’s really sick and frustrated about it because he can’t do much.

on christmas

2008-12-18T16:24:00.000-08:00

well, i'm safely in lancaster county, despite the fact that a plane apparently crashed on the turnpike shortly before i got there. http://www.wgal.com/news/18309442/detail.html?rss=lan&psp=news thanks for making sure i wasn't hit by a plane rob. i suppose that's why God let me sleep in past my alarm this morning.

getting on to this christmas buisness. i decided this year to make all of my gifts. i am resurrecting the crafty person within me and putting thought and effort into my gifts. we spend so much time caught up in the trap of consumerism and forget that Jesus gave Himself...not crappy gifts like tickle me elmo or the unicorn princess "my horn can pierce the sky" (see the morrocan christmas episode of the office). ambridge christian center is also kind of going along with this theme. here is an amazing video they showed last sunday:

so true.

so close i can taste it

2008-12-12T13:37:00.000-08:00

as my last official act of rebellion and procrastination i will blog rather than finish my independent study. i really do have a problem. this independent study crapness is the last thing to cross off of an extensive to do list that i feel has existed since the beginning of time. i can’t wait for that sense of peace i’ll feel when it’s all done.

but first, let me reflect on this past semester. in some ways it has been the best semester ever, and in some ways it has been the worst, but i thank God for every experience He’s given me, because i know it’s all a part of His awesome plan. let’s look back at some of the highlights:

i got my first apartment, and i live with an amazing girl named jessica!

said bye to jake as he left for wildhorse canyon : (

had fun with friends at homecoming

football game with jessica

did ground-breaking research with amazing friends

got to see ambridge christian center start having sunday services at ambridge high school!

my roommate got engaged : )

went on a boat cruise in pittsburgh with friends

i learned that gender is not dichotomous.

spent a ridiculous amount of money on food

did some learnin'

taught rob and krista about gender differences in facebook profiles

woke up at an ungodly hour...in the name of science

went to a halloween party

wow.
what a semester.

love your enemies? really?

2008-12-10T15:05:00.000-08:00

Christ’s coming was not at all like d-day. d-day was when a huge army went to “defeat” the evil regime headed up by adolf hitler. as much as we love to see that day as a time when evil was conquered. the truth is that God calls us to defeat evil in an entirely different way.

if you are a christian i can infer that your model for living is the life of Jesus Christ. a tough task, and it is a much tougher task than we often think about it as being. we seem to be like, “ok, being nice to people is hard, not lying is hard, not gossiping is hard”. yes, all of those things are hard, but there is so much more to loving people than those kinds of commandments. if christians are modeling Jesus, they should go so far beyond that because Jesus loved in a radical way.

back to the idea of d-day. how would Jesus have handled the situation? how we did? probably not. how did Jesus conquer evil when He was on earth? well, ultimately He died on the cross to defeat evil for good, but lets think about His everyday life. His teachings were pretty clear, “You have heard that it was said, ‘And eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I tell you not to resist an evil person. But whoever slaps you on the right cheek turn the other to him also…”(Matthew 5:38). Ecclesiastes tells us that there is, “A time to love, And a time to hate; A time of war, And a time of peace”. i think that what He says in the sermon on the mount is Jesus’ way of saying that there was a time for war, but now is not that time. it’s kind of hard to get around these teachings, yet, we insist that there is more to the story; i think that's our sinful nature. the fact is, Jesus didn’t say “turn the other cheek except when (fill in lame excuse for violence here)”.

in the book of Isaiah, isaiah prophesies about the coming Suffering Servant (Jesus) by saying, “…He had done no violence, Nor was any deceit in His mouth” (Isaiah 53:9). this prophecy is true. Jesus was not a hurter, He was a healer. even to those who were defending good, Jesus insisted on loving rather than acts of violence to solve the problem. the prime example is in Matthew 26 when a huge group of people with swords and clubs came to arrest Jesus. one of Jesus’ friends who was with Him decided to defend Jesus by pulling out his sword and cutting off the ear of the high priest. Jesus doesn’t like this at all. he says, “Put your sword in its place, for all who take the sword will perish by the sword. Or do you think that I cannot now pray to my Father, and He will provide Me with more than twelve legions of angels?”. good point Jesus. why wouldn’t we just trust God in this situation? why can’t we let go of all of our earthly thoughts that tell us that we need to take care of a situation our own way instead of the way God told us to? what is interesting about this passage is that after Jesus says this the disciples and everyone else who was with Jesus peaced out (Matthew 26:56). seriously, they ran away from Jesus, who was God! obviously the thought of not being able to defend yourself is scary. the thing is...it’s what God calls us to do. flat out. our command from Jesus is to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us. as hard as that is to live out, i think i’m gonna give it a try.

Jesus was ridiculously counter-cultural, especially when it came to loving people. don’t get me wrong, we need courageous people to go to places like iraq, but not with guns. christians should go to those places with the intention of loving the enemy like Jesus commanded. i think it takes a lot more courage to go armed with love than with guns. we need to trust in God’s method to take care of things, not our own. our job is to obey His commandments. so love your enemy.

in fact, beyond just not shooting people, let's ACTIVELY love people. let's find CREATIVE ways that we can GO OUT OF OUR WAY to love people. i mean, that's how Jesus did it after all. He went way out of His way to love us.

little things with great love

2008-12-09T10:40:00.000-08:00

i think its interesting that us christians feel that we need to go away somewhere to preach the gospel when we can live out our lives like Christ in everyday life wherever we are. now of course i am not condemning to go overseas to share the love of Christ, i think that’s awesome, but if you can’t afford to go on a missions trip why not do something in your own neighborhood to share Jesus with others. better yet, save your money that would be spent on travel and do something in the community you live in. social justice advocate catherine doherty once said,

“The duty of the moment is what you should be doing at any given time, in whatever place God has put you. You may not have Christ in a homeless person at your door, but you may have a little child. If you have a child, your duty of the moment may be to change a dirty diaper. So you do it. But you don't just change that diaper, you change it to the best of your ability, with great love for both God and that child.... There are all kinds of good Catholic things you can do, but whatever they are, you have to realize that there is always the duty of the moment to be done. And it must be done, because the duty of the moment is the duty of God”.

do what you can where you are. carry out a small act of justice in your hometown, speak out for the oppressed and ignored in your neighborhood. love your neighbor, literally. but here a problem arises. you see, us humans never really seem to want to do what is right. philip k. dick, that author that wrote about the nature of reality, made a statement related to this in his article,

“The authentic human being is one of us who instinctively knows what he should not do, and, in addition, he will balk at doing it. He will refuse to do it, even if this brings down dread consequences to him and to those whom he loves. This, to me, is the ultimately heroic trait of ordinary people; they say no to the tyrant and they calmly take the consequences of this resistance. Their deeds may be small, and almost always unnoticed, unmarked by history. Their names are not remembered, nor did these authentic humans expect their names to be remembered. I see their authenticity in an odd way: not in their willingness to perform great heroic deeds but in their quiet refusals. In essence, they cannot be compelled to be what they are not.”

lets change the world in the name of Christ by doing little things with great love.

my head hurts

2008-12-08T13:05:00.000-08:00

so i read this article about the nature of reality and all that. it was written in 1978 by this science fiction writer. it’s actually not as lame as it might sound. in fact, you should read it. here you go: http://downlode.org/Etext/how_to_build.html. insert a shout-out to adam here for telling me to read it. and now for some excerpts and thoughts, hopefully they are sort of coherent:

“Do not believe — and I am dead serious when I say this — do not assume that order and stability are always good, in a society or in a universe. The old, the ossified, must always give way to new life and the birth of new things. Before the new things can be born the old must perish. This is a dangerous realization, because it tells us that we must eventually part with much of what is familiar to us. And that hurts. But that is part of the script of life. Unless we can psychologically accommodate change, we ourselves begin to die, inwardly. What I am saying is that objects, customs, habits, and ways of life must perish so that the authentic human being can live. And it is the authentic human being who matters most, the viable, elastic organism which can bounce back, absorb, and deal with the new.”

this does seem Biblical. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says,“…if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new”. the universe is moving in such a way that it is going towards the kingdom of God. it doesn't necessarily move from old to new on its own, God uses His people as His tools to do this redeeming work. we are called as christians to engage the world around us and find the redeeming qualities of creation and culture. as followers of Jesus, this should be our goal! but let’s not get ahead of ourselves, we as His followers must be truly changed by Him in order to be able to bring change to the world. After all, “a glass can only spill what it contains”.

the author of the article also talked about how the world around us affects how we understand what is real,
“Because the bombardment of pseudo- realities begins to produce inauthentic humans very quickly, spurious humans — as fake as the data pressing at them from all sides…Fake realities will create fake humans.”
this makes me think about how a relationship with Christ helps us to understand what life is really about. John 10:10 says, “I have come that you might have life and have it to the full.” God wants us to get close to Him...the actual source of Truth. that is how we can have full life, complete with meaning.

don’t be confused now, we can know about God, but not know God Himself. there is a difference. the relationship is key. in Matthew 7 Jesus tells a crowd of people, “Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord’ shall enter the kingdom of heaven…Many will say to Me in that day, ‘Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name?’ And then I will declare to them, ‘Depart from Me, I never knew you…’”. Jesus wants us to talk to Him and to know who He is.

i believe that more we learn about the character of Jesus the more we can realize that God didn’t come to make bad people good, He came to make dead people alive (credit goes to pastor mike from today’s sermon at ambridge christian center). he wants us to have life to the full through the means of a relationship with Him. so how can we know about the nature of reality? we can have life to the full which means a relationship with Jesus and doing His work. life doesn’t get any more real than that.

i am really only touching on this subject. read the link for lots of interesting thoughts.

and still we struggle

2008-11-29T19:45:00.001-08:00

i know that these song lyrics keep coming up, but lets face it: i'm not that great of a blogger. the truth is that some people are more gifted at expressing the deepest of all human thoughts and emotions in an artistic and creative manner. here is another song from mewithoutYou. this is my favorite song ever. to emphasize what the song means to me i put some explanatory notes in parenthesis. i can relate a lot to this song and it is a great picture of God's grace and deliverance.

tie me up! untie me! by mewithoutYou

i was looking at the leaves
climbing to the tops of the trees
but You were nowhere to be found.
(here the speaker looks for God, but can't seem to find Him)

just beneath all the green You were buried like a little seed.
among the roots and underground.
(...but he wasn't looking in the right places)

i was licking at the leaves,
but i was in short sleeves and You,
You were like some sickness that i caught.
(when he found God, He took him over like sickness)

my sweetheart moved away
swept off like garbage in the alleyway
(the things of the world were no longer important)

and i need more grace than i thought,
because brother i'm far away from everything good.
(he realizes his nature and how far he is from the holiness of God)

she's like a hot cloth on a fevered head,
and like a needle she leads me,
oh i follow like thread,
(the world calls him back away from God, and it is so easy to follow it's voice)

tie me up! untie me!
all this wishing i was dead
its getting old, its getting old
it goes on,
but its old.
(he is torn between his old thoughts, like those of suicide, and his new life with God)

i was swimming through the waves
for what must have been days,
but could find no relief.
(we return to the speakers quest for God, he cannot find happiness in the world)

and when i started sinking down
i thought for certain i would drown
until i saw You in the ocean underneath.
(God rescues him from "drowning"--related to thoughts of suicide expressed throughout this song)

all the bright colored fish tell
of a treasure in a dull shell,
"such subtlety so easily missed!"
(again, God is in an unexpected place, and he is reminded of God's beauty)

You, my hidden pearl of pure and perfect Love,
and i'm the living example of 100%
the OPPOSITE of this!
(he realizes how far he is from the holiness of God)

she's like a hot cloth on a fevered head
and like a needle she leads me,
oh i follow like thread.
but You untied me!
didn't You untie me Lord?
and now i haven't even though about killing myself
in almost five months.
(but God rescues him from the trap of the world and his own detrimental thoughts)

i am reminded again of a jars of clay song that i put in a previous post, "i have no fear of drowning, it's the breathing that's taking all this work". it is so easy to die and not think about anything. the challenging, yet more rewarding thing, is to live life with God despite the difficulties the world presents.

"she" is the world, what we can't seem to let go. God "untied" us from the things of this world that hold us back. He conquered death and everything that goes with it. We've been set free. Praise God!

my life right now in two songs

2008-11-21T14:41:00.000-08:00

work by jars of clay

just in case
i will leave my things packed
so i can run away.
i cannot trust these voices.

i don't have a line of prospects
that can give some kind of peace.
there is nothing left to cling to
that can bring me sweet release.

i have no fear of drowning,
it's the breathing that's taking all this work.

do you know what i mean when i say, "i don't want to be alone"?
what i mean when i say, "i don't want to be alone"?

empty spaces
with shadows hit by streetlights
warning signs and weight
of tired conversations

in the absence of a shoulder
in the abscess of a thief
on the brink of this destruction
on the eve of bittersweet

now all the demons look like prophets
and i'm living out
every word they speak
every word they speak

do you know what i mean when i say, "i don't want to be alone"?

I have no fear of drowning
Its the breathing that's taking all this work

c-minor by mewithoutYou

our house wrapped in disrepair,
a small mouse peeked out from a hole beneath the stairs
nearby to where my dad sat in his favorite chair,
thinking about the government and muttering a prayer
so i scattered some oats in hopes she'd stay
then sat still to stop from scaring her away -
but she hurried on her little way
and scurried around my mind
ever since,
every day.

Open wide my door, My Lord, my Lord.
to whatever makes me love You more.

i'm water, you're the drywood
equal parts misguided and misunderstood
but all the neighborhood
watched a fire burn from where they stood
as the smoke said,
"we're not half as bad as God is good"
still there's a whisper in my ear,
the voice of loneliness and fear, so i say:
"devil, disappear!
i'm still (ehh...technically...) a virgin
after 27 years -
which never bothered me before,
what's maybe 50 more?

Open wide my door,
My Lord, my Lord.
Open wide my door,
to whatever makes me love you more.

she came back for the oat,
but she brought along a "friend"
(this never ends)
the harder the rain,
the lower the flowers in the garden bend
(this never ends)
i'd rather never talk again
than to continue to pretend
(this never ends)

IT NEVER ENDS!
IT NEVER ENDS!

i am an old maid

2008-10-29T16:13:00.000-07:00

Well, I must say being at Geneva, I have kind of been made to feel like I am an old maid already because it is my senior year of college and I am not in a serious relationship that is on the brink of marriage. And apparently, according to an article I had to read for my Psychology of Gender class, "...men make positive gains after marrying, while all types of singles...experience accumulating declines over time"(VanLeeuwen). Great. The longer I am single it seems, the more likely I will be to experience an array of unpleasant side-effects caused by lonliness (ex//depression, lack of purpose, etc.). On top of this, it is my own personal suspicion that this effect would be worse for women because of thier tendency to be more social (whether that is because of biology or it has been socially constructed). All of the sudden I find myself on the lookout for any guy willing to give me a shot so that I can save myself from this imminent doom.

Despite this imminent doom, I was able to glean a bit of comfort from the author of the article I read (VanLeeuwen is the author. She is a really great psychologist I've been learning a lot from, don't neccessarily agree with everything, but I am learning a lot). In this piece she states, "Marriage is neither an essential nor a superior state for the realization of Christian maturity and service"(VanLeeuwen). That sure is a relief. After all, a single life is actually more encouraged in the Bible over marriage. See 1 Corinthians 7. So why is there so much pressure to enter into this institution amongst Christians? Although I see the value in marriage, I cannot help thinking that marriage is not the only kind of Biblical institution that can create the kind of benefits that marriage creates. I think that even more than marriage, God created us for community.

I can really see how people might become depressed if they remain single. It has been difficult for me, as of late, to see my friends all being married off. In the past it has been easy to be single, because there is always a friend available to be with. As more and more of my friends get married, thier priorities will be different, which is okay, but it might leave me with a feeling of lonliness as my number of available friends decreases. I believe that God created Christians to live in a community, married or unmarried. Single Christians should not feel the burden of loneliness if they are surrounded by a healthy Church community. It simply should not happen.

my life in 5 minutes

2008-09-18T12:09:00.000-07:00

ok everyone calm down...i'm blogging.

what's going on? well i have about five minutes until my isaiah class so i will give you a synopsis of what's going on in my life by listing a couple of key phrases:

Bluebeard
BFCAT
School of Social Work
Jessica Johnson
Butter on my Sheets
New Criticism
Monopoly
No Matching Earrings
Conflict Resolution and Peacemaking
Resume
I Can't Do Math
George Weigel
Stop Singing in the Car
Awkward
Recycling
New Monastacism
Bonfire
Strength To Endure
Structuralism
FYF
Alice Eagly
Ground Beef
Philippians 4
Called the Cops
No Country for Old Men
No Stress, No Stress, No Stress
Good Hair Day
Let Me Check My Schedule
New Pens
Scary Stalker with a Horse
Mix C.D.'s
Transgender Babies
Laundry Needs Done
Ra Ra Riot
Pray Myself to Sleep

That's about it. That meant nothing to most of you.

hocus pocus! make me focus!

2008-08-05T09:24:00.000-07:00

now how in the world am i ever going to get this paper done (due tommorow by the way) when all i want to do is listen to the new mewithoutYou song over and over?!?!

for your listening pleasure
i present to you
mewithoutYou's (yet to be released) new song
God, God, God

lovely.

i am not God

2008-07-28T12:23:00.000-07:00

so i've been getting in some good learnin' in the past few months...quite unusual for the typical summer "break". but, i'll be honest, i love learning so it's a good fit for me. between my summer ethics class and various newsong fellowship church classes, not to mention all the experiential learning i get from working with people all day at dutch wonderland. needless to say i've been learning tons, and i'm both excited and a bit nervous to put all my learning into action.

one thing especially i'd like to share with all the bloggers out there is something i learned the other day in my S.O.D. (school of discipleship) class taught by the amazing dan armstrong...he really was a great teacher. anyway, we talked about the ways we try to be like God. Namely that we try to control things, we feel that it is our place to judge, and that we think we deserve praise. i know that i am guilty of all of those things, but i never really thought of it like i was actually trying to be like God by committing those sins. i really learned a lot more than i'm actually going to write down about this subject, i know you all like it when i keep things concise.

i have really found that the closer i get to God, the more i have a personal relationship with Him and understand more about who He is, the more i realize how much of a sinner i am...how far i really am from being like Jesus. it doesn't mean i won't keep trying, but i think it's good to keep in perspective. if you're anything like me sometimes i get in self-righteous mode, and i can't see my sin, then i just have to go take another look at God and be like, "oh, i'm actually not even close to being righteous". praise the Lord, He saved me!

here is a feist song just for fun.
honestly this song just gets better and better as it progresses
in my opinion

rockbridge alum springs

2008-07-23T12:31:00.000-07:00

i just got back from the beautiful rockbridge alum springs younglife camp! it was a blast and i got to spend a week with a cabin full of amazing high school girls! we all had a blast and got to learn some things about Jesus.

here are some pictures:
this is when we pretended to be crossing guards

this is me and rosemary...an adult guest at camp...love her.

the leaders in the leader lounge

me conversing with a banana on stage...my 15 minutes of fame.

too much fun. can't wait til next year!

lay your burdens down

2008-07-07T09:33:00.000-07:00

lyrics to "The Weight" by The Band:

I pulled into Nazareth, was feelin' about half past dead;
I just need some place where I can lay my head.
Hey, mister, can you tell me where a man might find a bed?
He just grinned and shook my hand, and "no!", was all he said.

Take a load off Annie, take a load for free;
Take a load off Annie, and (and) (and) you can put the load right on Me.

I picked up my bag, I went lookin' for a place to hide;
When I saw Carmen and the Devil walkin' side by side.
I said, "Hey, Carmen, come on, let's go downtown".
She said, "I gotta go, but m'friend can stick around".

Go down, Miss.Moses, theres nothin' you can say
Its just ol' Luke, and Luke's waitin' on the judgement day.
Well, Luke, my friend, what about young Anna Lee?
He said, "Do me a favor, son, woncha stay an keep Anna Lee company"?

Crazy Chester followed me, and he caught me in the fog.
He said, I will fix your rack, if you'll take Jack, my dog.
I said, "Wait a minute, Chester, you know I'm a peaceful man".
He said, "Thats okay, boy, won't you feed him when you can"?

Catch a cannon ball now, take me down the line.
My bag is sinkin' low and I do believe it's time.
To get back to Miss.Annie, you know shes the only one.
Who sent me here with her regards for everyone.

Here is a super vid of The Band:

Here is a fun cover of this song by Aaron and Mike Weiss from mewithoutYou:

adulthood and ethics

2008-07-01T19:09:00.000-07:00

today i have my first apartment...officially. a new stage in life. this apartment is not campus housing...nor is it with my parents. adulthood here i come!

on another note entirely, yesterday i started my class in ethics at hacc. my first secular college class. interesting to say the least. we're going to touch on most hot topics. ethics is certainly an intriguing class to take if you are like me. every class i have ever taken in college has forced me to integrate my christian worldview. we talked about relativism yesterday. in this class, almost no one will end up sharing my view that there IS ultimate truth of which God is the source. relativism says that what is right depends on your own experiences...what is right is different for everyone. but my professor did point out the problems of relativism. one of those problems being this: can you ever really declare the statement "all things are relative"? it's contradictory! interesting indeed. mentally stimulating to say the least.

drink, drank, didn't get drunk

2008-06-05T11:50:00.000-07:00

well, two weddings in the next two weeks. one will probably involve square dancing. ick. but happy couples and parties, i love those! and i get to catch up with all the old friends : ) congrats to liz and donny and steph and jared. it's gonna be off the heezy. the dress will be uncomfortable, but as the great aretha franklin once said, "i will survive".

i'm sipping on a jones soda and thinking about how charity is graduating today and i am freakin' old. i'm going to weddings and high school graduations that aren't mine.

the 21st birthday was a success for anyone who cares. the facebook pics make it look like a drank a lot more than i acutally did. gummi bear martini, alabama slammer, corona, some shot called a "blow job" (i really did not even want to drink anything with that name, but it wasn't bad once i disassociated the name with the beverage), and sex on the beach (now this was my fav, and yet another questionable name for a drink). i didn't drink all of them! no drunkeness here, i just kind of sipped on everyone elses mostly. just to try things. i will not get drunk, people, seriously, stop saying that.

i told my high school friend chelsea the other day why i choose not to get drunk. after which she said, "wow, you really think about stuff a lot before you do it." i think it's funny that we are not inclined to think about our actions. we just kinda decide to do what feels good at the time. just a tip: this does not usually go well. i'm just trying to do what i think will help others to see Jesus' influence in my life. and i don't think Jesus would get drunk, that's just my personal opinion. i have scriptural backup if you want it. off the soapbox.

new fav song of the moment: love astronaut by murder mystery

i've been searching for you.

have you been searching for me?

i've been running around

but now i'm down on my knees.

i go looking abroad

i've been sailing the seas.

i go looking for love

but is it looking for me?

i'm the captain of a ship

or an astronaut in space.

traveling around the world,

searching for a pretty face.

i've been looking on high,

checkin' below the lows,

but the only thing i found

is myself still alone.

a haircut, a check, and some lyrics that move my soul

2008-05-27T17:26:00.000-07:00

a couple of things to share:

1. the new mars volta album, the bedlam in goliath is rocking my world.
"never heard a man speak like this man before,
never heard a man speak like this man before,
all the days of my life, every since i've been born,
never heard a man speak like this man before."
props to adam for reminding me that this band exists.

2. i have a trendy new haircut. i don't have a camera though, so you can't see it.

3. tommorow is my first day of work, as well as my birthday...party on.

4. i like this new church i'm going to. they really love Jesus and love people. newsong fellowship is a rare jewel among a wasteland of churches these days.

5. i got a big refund from our lovely government today....although, if ron paul was president, we wouldn't have to pay income tax at all. i really love that man.

6. i learned to play the sweet riff from mewithoutYou's "tie me up! untie me!". it's my favorite thing in life right now. "i was swimming through the waves for what must have been days! but could find no relief. then i started sinking down, i thought for certain i would drown, until i saw you in the ocean, underneath. all the bright colored fish tell of a treasure in a dull shell. such subtlety so easily missed. You, my hidden pearl of pure and perfect love and i'm the living example, of 100% the opposite of this!"

7. is numbering things stupid?

coffee and other potential beverages

2008-05-20T18:02:00.000-07:00

well. i'm already missing my friends. make me cry a river.

i just talked to krista, so i have all my knitting girls on the brain. be sure to check out their blogs to view their fabulous knitting creations.

also i got to have some coffee with my ashley friend today! here is a pic of her beautiful face that i stole from her facebook...creepy, i know, whatev. i am so happy she's going to grad school in millersville this summer! woohoo.

in other news...i'm officially on the schedule to work at dutch wonderland. when's my first day you ask...well, it's none other than may 28th, a.k.a. my 21st birthday. i don't mind though, you do what ya gotta do to get the dough. i've heard of a gummi bear martini, this i gotta try...lemme know if anyone has any first alcoholic drink suggestions.

lastly, i have to tell you all that report cards came out. 3 B+'s. are you serious. someone give me an A! please! i'm at my wits end. but i got an A in counseling, so i have good career prospects.

well...til some other time.

and so summer begins

2008-05-14T14:39:00.000-07:00

well. here is the beginning of what could be a blog that becomes a great collection of my thoughts or something that will be neglected by me starting tomorrow. i figure since my friends are starting to disperse across oceans and continents and state lines, i could make an attempt to keep anyone who cares up to date. plus i've heard that blogs can be rather cathartic. in case anyone is wondering the title to my blog (here it goes...) is not at all even remotely creative. the reason i used it is mostly because i'm listening to jimmy eat world's new album "chase this light" specifically the song entitled "here it goes". i thought it could apply here. the name of said blog is subject to change at any moment. you've received fair warning, i hope you aren't already too attached.

i'm starting off the summer unpacking a ridiculous amount of things. my first summer resolution is this: get rid of all superfluous crap. and i have a lot of superfluous crap. i really must eliminate it. the stuff consists of mostly books and clothes. the books i need to get rid of mostly because of i've decided it is stupid to hold onto books that i have already read. sell 'em or give 'em away. its my new mantra. like it? it's not that catchy. my clothes are a beast that hides behind the door of my closet and my books are a beast that is enveloping my room. i'm done with this crap infringing on my life. anyway, with the help of my new ebay account and the salvation army down the street, the dragons should be slain in no time. woohoo!

sorry, it's my first blog. have some mercy.