and still we struggle

i know that these song lyrics keep coming up, but lets face it: i'm not that great of a blogger. the truth is that some people are more gifted at expressing the deepest of all human thoughts and emotions in an artistic and creative manner. here is another song from mewithoutYou. this is my favorite song ever. to emphasize what the song means to me i put some explanatory notes in parenthesis. i can relate a lot to this song and it is a great picture of God's grace and deliverance.

tie me up! untie me! by mewithoutYou

i was looking at the leaves
climbing to the tops of the trees
but You were nowhere to be found.
(here the speaker looks for God, but can't seem to find Him)

just beneath all the green You were buried like a little seed.
among the roots and underground.
(...but he wasn't looking in the right places)

i was licking at the leaves,
but i was in short sleeves and You,
You were like some sickness that i caught.
(when he found God, He took him over like sickness)

my sweetheart moved away
swept off like garbage in the alleyway
(the things of the world were no longer important)

and i need more grace than i thought,
because brother i'm far away from everything good.
(he realizes his nature and how far he is from the holiness of God)

she's like a hot cloth on a fevered head,
and like a needle she leads me,
oh i follow like thread,
(the world calls him back away from God, and it is so easy to follow it's voice)

tie me up! untie me!
all this wishing i was dead
its getting old, its getting old
it goes on,
but its old.
(he is torn between his old thoughts, like those of suicide, and his new life with God)

i was swimming through the waves
for what must have been days,
but could find no relief.
(we return to the speakers quest for God, he cannot find happiness in the world)

and when i started sinking down
i thought for certain i would drown
until i saw You in the ocean underneath.
(God rescues him from "drowning"--related to thoughts of suicide expressed throughout this song)


all the bright colored fish tell
of a treasure in a dull shell,
"such subtlety so easily missed!"
(again, God is in an unexpected place, and he is reminded of God's beauty)

You, my hidden pearl of pure and perfect Love,
and i'm the living example of 100%
the OPPOSITE of this!
(he realizes how far he is from the holiness of God)

she's like a hot cloth on a fevered head
and like a needle she leads me,
oh i follow like thread.
but You untied me!
didn't You untie me Lord?
and now i haven't even though about killing myself
in almost five months.
(but God rescues him from the trap of the world and his own detrimental thoughts)

i am reminded again of a jars of clay song that i put in a previous post, "i have no fear of drowning, it's the breathing that's taking all this work". it is so easy to die and not think about anything. the challenging, yet more rewarding thing, is to live life with God despite the difficulties the world presents.

"she" is the world, what we can't seem to let go. God "untied" us from the things of this world that hold us back. He conquered death and everything that goes with it. We've been set free. Praise God!

my life right now in two songs

work by jars of clay

just in case
i will leave my things packed
so i can run away.
i cannot trust these voices.

i don't have a line of prospects
that can give some kind of peace.
there is nothing left to cling to
that can bring me sweet release.

i have no fear of drowning,
it's the breathing that's taking all this work.

do you know what i mean when i say, "i don't want to be alone"?
what i mean when i say, "i don't want to be alone"?

empty spaces
with shadows hit by streetlights
warning signs and weight
of tired conversations

in the absence of a shoulder
in the abscess of a thief
on the brink of this destruction
on the eve of bittersweet

now all the demons look like prophets
and i'm living out
every word they speak
every word they speak

do you know what i mean when i say, "i don't want to be alone"?

I have no fear of drowning
Its the breathing that's taking all this work


c-minor by mewithoutYou

our house wrapped in disrepair,
a small mouse peeked out from a hole beneath the stairs
nearby to where my dad sat in his favorite chair,
thinking about the government and muttering a prayer
so i scattered some oats in hopes she'd stay
then sat still to stop from scaring her away -
but she hurried on her little way
and scurried around my mind
ever since,
every day.

Open wide my door, My Lord, my Lord.
to whatever makes me love You more.

i'm water, you're the drywood
equal parts misguided and misunderstood
but all the neighborhood
watched a fire burn from where they stood
as the smoke said,
"we're not half as bad as God is good"
still there's a whisper in my ear,
the voice of loneliness and fear, so i say:
"devil, disappear!
i'm still (ehh...technically...) a virgin
after 27 years -
which never bothered me before,
what's maybe 50 more?

Open wide my door,
My Lord, my Lord.
Open wide my door,
to whatever makes me love you more.

she came back for the oat,
but she brought along a "friend"
(this never ends)
the harder the rain,
the lower the flowers in the garden bend
(this never ends)
i'd rather never talk again
than to continue to pretend
(this never ends)

IT NEVER ENDS!
IT NEVER ENDS!

i am an old maid

Well, I must say being at Geneva, I have kind of been made to feel like I am an old maid already because it is my senior year of college and I am not in a serious relationship that is on the brink of marriage. And apparently, according to an article I had to read for my Psychology of Gender class, "...men make positive gains after marrying, while all types of singles...experience accumulating declines over time"(VanLeeuwen). Great. The longer I am single it seems, the more likely I will be to experience an array of unpleasant side-effects caused by lonliness (ex//depression, lack of purpose, etc.). On top of this, it is my own personal suspicion that this effect would be worse for women because of thier tendency to be more social (whether that is because of biology or it has been socially constructed). All of the sudden I find myself on the lookout for any guy willing to give me a shot so that I can save myself from this imminent doom.

Despite this imminent doom, I was able to glean a bit of comfort from the author of the article I read (VanLeeuwen is the author. She is a really great psychologist I've been learning a lot from, don't neccessarily agree with everything, but I am learning a lot). In this piece she states, "Marriage is neither an essential nor a superior state for the realization of Christian maturity and service"(VanLeeuwen). That sure is a relief. After all, a single life is actually more encouraged in the Bible over marriage. See 1 Corinthians 7. So why is there so much pressure to enter into this institution amongst Christians? Although I see the value in marriage, I cannot help thinking that marriage is not the only kind of Biblical institution that can create the kind of benefits that marriage creates. I think that even more than marriage, God created us for community.

I can really see how people might become depressed if they remain single. It has been difficult for me, as of late, to see my friends all being married off. In the past it has been easy to be single, because there is always a friend available to be with. As more and more of my friends get married, thier priorities will be different, which is okay, but it might leave me with a feeling of lonliness as my number of available friends decreases. I believe that God created Christians to live in a community, married or unmarried. Single Christians should not feel the burden of loneliness if they are surrounded by a healthy Church community. It simply should not happen.

my life in 5 minutes

ok everyone calm down...i'm blogging.

what's going on? well i have about five minutes until my isaiah class so i will give you a synopsis of what's going on in my life by listing a couple of key phrases:

Bluebeard
BFCAT
School of Social Work
Jessica Johnson
Butter on my Sheets
New Criticism
Monopoly
No Matching Earrings
Conflict Resolution and Peacemaking
Resume
I Can't Do Math
George Weigel
Stop Singing in the Car
Awkward
Recycling
New Monastacism
Bonfire
Strength To Endure
Structuralism
FYF
Alice Eagly
Ground Beef
Philippians 4
Called the Cops
No Country for Old Men
No Stress, No Stress, No Stress
Good Hair Day
Let Me Check My Schedule
New Pens
Scary Stalker with a Horse
Mix C.D.'s
Transgender Babies
Laundry Needs Done
Ra Ra Riot
Pray Myself to Sleep

That's about it. That meant nothing to most of you.

hocus pocus! make me focus!

now how in the world am i ever going to get this paper done (due tommorow by the way) when all i want to do is listen to the new mewithoutYou song over and over?!?!

for your listening pleasure
i present to you
mewithoutYou's (yet to be released) new song
God, God, God




lovely.

i am not God

so i've been getting in some good learnin' in the past few months...quite unusual for the typical summer "break". but, i'll be honest, i love learning so it's a good fit for me. between my summer ethics class and various newsong fellowship church classes, not to mention all the experiential learning i get from working with people all day at dutch wonderland. needless to say i've been learning tons, and i'm both excited and a bit nervous to put all my learning into action.

one thing especially i'd like to share with all the bloggers out there is something i learned the other day in my S.O.D. (school of discipleship) class taught by the amazing dan armstrong...he really was a great teacher. anyway, we talked about the ways we try to be like God. Namely that we try to control things, we feel that it is our place to judge, and that we think we deserve praise. i know that i am guilty of all of those things, but i never really thought of it like i was actually trying to be like God by committing those sins. i really learned a lot more than i'm actually going to write down about this subject, i know you all like it when i keep things concise.

i have really found that the closer i get to God, the more i have a personal relationship with Him and understand more about who He is, the more i realize how much of a sinner i am...how far i really am from being like Jesus. it doesn't mean i won't keep trying, but i think it's good to keep in perspective. if you're anything like me sometimes i get in self-righteous mode, and i can't see my sin, then i just have to go take another look at God and be like, "oh, i'm actually not even close to being righteous". praise the Lord, He saved me!

here is a feist song just for fun.
honestly this song just gets better and better as it progresses
in my opinion

rockbridge alum springs

i just got back from the beautiful rockbridge alum springs younglife camp! it was a blast and i got to spend a week with a cabin full of amazing high school girls! we all had a blast and got to learn some things about Jesus.

here are some pictures:
this is when we pretended to be crossing guards



this is me and rosemary...an adult guest at camp...love her.



the leaders in the leader lounge



me conversing with a banana on stage...my 15 minutes of fame.



too much fun. can't wait til next year!