it's all crazy! it's all false! it's all a dream! it's alright

school’s over.

let me just meditate on that statement for a little bit. i’m officially qualified. for what? i’m not sure exactly. i feel like just when i became really good at being a student, being a good student stopped mattering. not that i shouldn’t continue to learn, and educate myself, but in all practicality, i need a job that pays money. why? because that’s just what you do to survive in this world.

at this point, i have no career goals. i don’t know what Jesus wants me to do, so i’m just kind of waiting on Him to tell me. since break i’ve had the chance to do some not-so-required reading for once, and i chose to re-read kierkegaard’s “the sickness unto death”. kierkegaard says that “the self”, or the spirit, can not be truly understood unless it is in a relationship with “the other”, or Jesus. this does make a good bit of sense, after all how better for a created creature to understand itself than to understand it’s Creator. so i figure my “goal” should be to come to know my God more intimately and devote myself to learning more about Him and following His teachings.

this certainly does not mean that i do not continue to live life and get by with whatever jobs are out there waiting around for God’s call. i don’t care to be idle, and i don’t think laziness is something that Scripture encourages. but i will passionately seek a stronger relationship with God in addition to living my life in what may not be ideal circumstances. God may use these circumstances to show me where i should go with my "career" (i really don't like that word).

theoretically, this will give me more direction. or maybe He prefers me to be unsure, so i’m not relying on my own devices and i can wholeheartedly trust Him with my life.

this thought process has left me strangely content with a life that appears directionless when looking through the lenses of the world. i don’t have a job, or a place to live in the near future…and I’m okay with that.