finally, something blog worthy

welp. i've been reading kurt vonnegut again. specifically "player piano" which is less stream of conciousness and more story-like than much of his other books. i like it. anyway here's a quote that destroyed my soul:

Anita had the mechanics of marriage down pat, even to the subtlest conventions. If her approach was disturbingly rational, systematic, she was thorough enough to turn out a creditable counterfeit of warmth. Paul could only suspect that her feelings were shallow-and perhaps that suspicion was part of what he was beginning to think of as his sickness.

i'm just like paul. as of late anyway. i've almost become too introspective. not only of myself, but of everyone else. i question everyone's motives. i question how honest i am being with myself and trust no one. maintaining friendships has become increasingly difficult. like paul i am suspicious of kindness.

perhaps this sinister seed was planted when i did research on cognitive dissonance in undergrad. the phenomenon of cognitive dissonance tells us that we will lie to ourselves, because we can't handle being wrong. even when presented with evidence that we are wrong we will swear on a bible and be convinced of our fallacy's veracity til the day we die. none of us can be trusted. our minds will play with us, but i seem to be under the delusion that i can master the mind. figure out all of it's tricks and become the first to be truly and supurbly genuine. but i'm realizing it's not possible, it's just a sickness.